Everyone Stab on 3
by Colin Fisher
INT. ROMAN THEATRE ENTRYWAY
A large group of Roman senators are clustered anxiously in the room. BRUTUS and CASSIUS stand slightly in front of them.
CASSIUS
So I’ll count to three on my hand, behind Caesar, and then we all start stabbing. Cool?
BRUTUS
Everyone goes at once?
CASSIUS
Yeah, everyone’s in on the plan. It’s gonna be great, Rome will be free from Caesar’s tyranny and all that.
BRUTUS
OK. As long as we’re all in it together.
CASSIUS
Totally, totally.
RANDOM SENATOR
He’s coming!
CASSIUS
Everyone play it cool. Lucius, you ready?
Lucius is holding a scroll.
LUCIUS
Yep.
CASSIUS
OK, OK, just talk among yourselves.
CAESAR walks in and keeps moving.
CAESAR
Hey Brutus.
Lucius steps up and stops Caesar, sticking the scroll in his face.
LUCIUS
Caesar, I was wondering if you could take a look at this petition I’m starting up?
CAESAR
I really need to find my seat.
LUCIUS
It won’t take long.
The senators crowd in closer to Caesar, who’s reading the petition. Cassius is behind him and holds up his hand, counting one, two, three on his fingers. As soon as he hits three, Brutus yells and stabs Caesar in the chest. No one else moves, and when Brutus stabs there are random reactions like “Oh my god he totally did it!” and “Whoa!” and general giggling. Brutus looks around in shock. Caesar is also in shock with a knife sticking out of his chest. He looks down at it and then falls to the floor.
BRUTUS
What the hell guys?! We were all supposed to go on three!
LUCIUS
It totally worked! Some of you bitches owe me five bones!
CASSIUS
Wow, man. You really went for it! And you yelled and everything! Well done!
BRUTUS
What’s wrong with you people? I thought this was a conspiracy. We were all in it together.
CASSIUS
Oh, we’re in it together all right. But it’s not really a conspiracy. It’s a fraternity.
BRUTUS
A fraternity? What the hell is that?
CASSIUS
It’s like a club. It’s an exclusive group, just guys, and we hang out and drink and throw parties for girls and stuff.
BRUTUS
And you’re all in it?
CASSIUS
Yeah, I came up with it and got all these guys to join.
BRUTUS
So what, you all stabbed someone or something?
CASSIUS
No, no. These guys were all in on the ground floor. I wanted you to join, but some of the bros weren’t sure so we came up with a test for you.
BRUTUS
A test? This was all a test? What about the conspiracy? What about freeing Rome from potential tyranny and returning her to her republican roots?
CASSIUS
Nah, that was all bullshit. None of us can stand Caesar, and we needed you to do something special to join, so. Win win.
BRUTUS
That’s really fucked up guys! Caesar was my best friend before you came up with this fake plot! I haven’t slept in weeks! I had to confide in my wife and she left me!
CASSIUS
Don’t worry man! You’ve got us now. The bros of Alpha Delta Gamma!
BRUTUS
Why did you just say three Greek letters in a row?
CASSIUS
That’s the name of the fraternity!
BRUTUS
But why Greek? We’re Roman.
CASSIUS
I don’t know. It’s cooler. You’re in it!
Caesar coughs and grabs Brutus’ ankle. It startles him and he jumps back.
CAESAR
Brutus...you guys...are total douchebags.
END
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