Wacky Ice Cream Parlor Employee
by Colin Fisher
INT. ICE CREAM PARLOR
STEVE walks up to the counter, looking at the different flavors behind the glass. MARIE comes out of the back. Her apron is tied on backwards and her little paper hat is askew.
MARIE
Welcome to Baskin Robbins! Would you like to sample any of our flavors today?
STEVE
Hi, yeah, I was wondering if I could try the birthday cake flavor?
MARIE
Sure! That’s one of my favorites.
She gets a little wooden spoon out and moves to scoop up the ice cream, then pauses.
MARIE
Wait, is it that one or that one?
She dips the spoon into one tub, tastes it.
MARIE
Right, it’s that one.
She dips the same spoon back in, then hands it to Steve.
STEVE
Uh, could I get a clean spoon?
MARIE
Oh god, duh Marie! I’m sorry. Here you go.
She dips a fresh spoon in and starts to hand it to him, then sneezes on it.
MARIE
Oh jeez, sorry!
Marie grabs a napkin and dabs at the ice cream on the spoon, then hands the spoon to Steve.
STEVE
I don’t think that kills the germs, actually. And you just sneezed on all those tubs.
MARIE
Wow, I guess I did huh? Maybe they should put glass on this side of the counter too!
STEVE
Then no one could reach the...nevermind. Let’s see what you have down here.
He moves down the counter, to the ice cream that was out of range of Marie’s sneeze.
STEVE
OK, I’ll just take two scoops of mint chocolate chip.
MARIE
Coming right up!
Marie gets out a bowl and starts scooping ice cream into it. She goes to put a third scoop in the bowl.
STEVE
Just two scoops, please.
She continues dumping scoops of ice cream onto the bowl during this.
MARIE
What’s that now?
STEVE
Two! Just two scoops!
MARIE
No, this is way more than two scoops.
STEVE
Good lord stop scooping! I just want two!
MARIE
Oh, you just wanted two? In here?
STEVE
Yes!
MARIE
Well that makes a lot more sense! I was thinking “gee, how’s he going to carry all this ice cream home with him?”
She shoves all the extra ice cream back into the tub and goes to the register.
MARIE
Your total today will be $13.50.
STEVE
For two scoops?
MARIE
Marie, get in the game! I’m so sorry. I rang it up for all that ice cream I scooped out. OK, $3.50.
STEVE
Are you OK?
MARIE
I’m great. How are you?
STEVE
Fine. I’m worried about you though. This is a really simple job. Like, idiot children do this job just fine. You’re a grown woman and that was...not good.
MARIE
Oh, I know. I’m just a wacky ice cream parlor worker who’s really bad at her job for some reason.
STEVE
So you’re aware?
MARIE
Absolutely! I’m no idiot, trust me. This just helps pay bills while I pursue my Ph.D in neurobiology at Columbia.
STEVE
Holy shit, really?
MARIE
Yeah. It’s going great. But I just can’t get a handle on this job. I do things backwards, I get into all sorts of crazy mix-ups, I can’t complete the simplest tasks. But they won’t fire me.
STEVE
That’s...bizarre.
MARIE
I know, right? I actually haven’t seen my boss since I started working here.
STEVE
Huh, weird. Listen, I’m sorry if I came off sort of harsh.
MARIE
No need to apologize! Trust me, you’re not the first person to say something.
STEVE
OK. Would you like to grab coffee or something?
MARIE
Right now?
STEVE
Sure, why not?
MARIE
Yeah. Yeah, that’d be nice. Let me just grab my purse.
Marie goes into the back for a beat. She runs back out, and smoke and flames are suddenly visible through the doorway.
MARIE
We should hurry.
They run out the front door together.
END
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