Mundane Mutation Support Group
by Colin Fisher
EXT. CHURCH
The marquee out front reads “Tonight: Support Group for Mundane Mutations”
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT
People sit in a loose circle on chairs that are too small. There’s a big, old coffee machine somewhere. Sad lighting.
BRAD
And so everyone thinks Wolverine’s all hot shit, I guess, because his mutations give him claws and animal senses. Meanwhile mine give me huge foot talons I can’t retract and a furry ass. It’s not fair.
COUNSELOR
Now remember Brad, we’re not here to compare ourselves or talk about fairness.
BRAD
Tell that to my constant fungal infections.
COUNSELOR
Look, I’m sure Wolverine, and many of the X-Men, have their share of problems. The important thing to remember is that we’re all mutants, and we’re all unique. Some of us just happen to have abilities that qualify us for an internationally-renowned crimefighting team.
BRAD
I guess.
COUNSELOR
None of us had any control over our gifts. Remember, if you can’t control it, you have to...?
GROUP
Accept it.
COUNSELOR
Great. Lonnie, let’s hear from you.
LONNIE
It was a pretty humdrum week. I had a date Friday, and things were going well, and we made our way to my bedroom. She mentioned I didn’t have any clocks, and I really tried to sell it. I said “well, it’s funny you notice. I have something to tell you, and not many people know this.” She was really intrigued. “I’m a mutant.” Her face lit up, and she said “like Cyclops?” I said “yeah, just like him!” “What’s your mutant power? Can you fly, or shrink, or have super strength?” I said “no! I can wake myself up at any point, no alarm needed!” Her face practically fell off her head. She was gone in ten minutes. I would have been better off if I hadn’t said anything.
COUNSELOR
What did you learn?
LONNIE
I’m incredibly lame and Cyclops eats it.
COUNSELOR
Lonnie, you know better than that.
Lonnie sighs.
LONNIE
That I’m not defined by my mutation.
COUNSELOR
Good. You’re all whole people. You’re not just one strange gene sequence. I see we have a newcomer tonight. Would you care to introduce yourself and talk about your situation?
RUFUS
Hi. I’m Rufus, and I’ve never been officially diagnosed or whatever, but I think my mutant power is to smell really bad.
COUNSELOR
Hi Rufus. Interesting, I haven’t encountered that before.
Brad is next to Rufus.
BRAD
I can vouch for it. He stinks.
COUNSELOR
Brad, that’s not constructive. Rufus, is this something you noticed beginning around puberty?
RUFUS
Um, no, it’s pretty much always been like that.
COUNSELOR
I see. Is it something you can turn on and off, or make better or worse?
RUFUS
Not really by, like, conscious control, but I’ve noticed that it does change based on what I eat.
COUNSELOR
And what do you typically eat?
RUFUS
A lot of garlic and fish.
COUNSELOR
Right. I think perhaps you might not have a mutation, just a body odor problem. You’re going to need to bathe more and change up your diet, OK?
RUFUS
Oh, OK.
COUNSELOR
And you need to leave.
RUFUS
But, I think maybe I also have cancer? Is that a mutation?
COUNSELOR
I think so, and that’s really serious, and you need to see a doctor. OK?
RUFUS
OK.
COUNSELOR
Alright. Good luck.
RUFUS
Oh, right. OK.
Rufus leaves. Awkward silence.
COUNSELOR
Well. OK. I’d like to talk this evening about how we can use our abilities for constructive purposes. This week I had a great opportunity to make the most of my cheese-locating mutation...
FADE OUT
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