Planning the NYC Subway
by Colin Fisher
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE, 1902
The MAYOR sits at his desk, writing. A knock at the door.
MAYOR
Yes, come in please.
RICHARD and CHARLES, the two engineers responsible for planning the city’s subway, come in with some rolled-up maps and a file on the plan.
MAYOR
Ah, just the men I was hoping to see! Come, have a seat. Show me the plans for this underground train system, or sub-way, that you claim will revolutionize how New York’s citizens traverse her boroughs.
RICHARD
Your honor, as you look over these plans, you may see things that seem strange at first.
CHARLES
But trust us when we tell you that we have planned this system not for tomorrow, but for the long-term. So that in the decades and centuries to come, the residents of the finest city on Earth will need to make almost no adjustments to their public transit.
MAYOR
Well, that all sounds very impressive. Let’s have a look.
He starts looking at diagrams and plans.
MAYOR
I believe I’ve already found a problem. This system will be entirely underground, but I see you’ve made no allowances for any sort of drainage or run-off in a rain storm. What will happen should a downpour erupt?
RICHARD
Your honor, believe me when I say we’ve taken this into account. Our friends at the National Geographic Society assure us that scientists will have control over that pesky rain problem in a matter of just a few years.
CHARLES
Sunny skies for the rest of eternity! So we felt that instead of addressing a problem that will be rendered moot before construction is even finished, we should focus on other problems.
MAYOR
If you say so. It seems that an underground system based on electricity would become an absolute quagmire in the slightest of storms without proper care.
CHARLES
Oh, if it were to rain on this system it would shut down completely. But rest assured that will never happen.
MAYOR
Speaking of electricity, these trains will be running on high voltage tracks, yes?
RICHARD
Indeed, sir.
MAYOR
And yet on the platforms I see no rails or guards against the public falling to the tracks, risking electrocution. Not to mention the danger of rushing trains. That would seem to welcome those who are down on their luck to end it all.
CHARLES
My brother is a sociologist at Columbia, sir. He assures me that based on current trends, we will soon have completely eliminated suicide from our society. In addition, we shall all have such outstanding spatial awareness that we will never stand too close to one another, nor fail to notice our proximity to danger because our face is buried in some glowing futuristic device. Will not happen.
MAYOR
You’re asking me to take quite a lot of things on faith, gentlemen.
RICHARD
Faith sir? Or SCIENCE?
MAYOR
Well see here, no science can indicate why you’ve omitted separate entrances for travelers of color.
CHARLES
Your honor, surely you don’t think our progeny will tolerate the presence of minorities in their society?
MAYOR
Good point. What are these small rooms in every train car?
RICHARD
Ah, yes, the lady compartments.
CHARLES
Eventually, our society will come to realize that women only serve to cloud the minds of men with their hysterical womb-brains.
RICHARD
But of course, we’ll still need them to travel through the city to make our clothes and serve our food.
CHARLES
So, we’ll install these lady compartments in every car. The walls are lined with uranium to block the poisonous womb waves. Women can travel, and men can focus on bettering the world.
MAYOR
Sounds perfectly reasonable. You’ve won me over gentlemen, I see no way that this plan could go wrong. Would you like some celebratory cocaine?
RICHARD
Indubitably!
END
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