Monthly Meeting of the Rent is Too Damn High Party
by Colin Fisher
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT
JIMMY MCMILLAN stands at a podium in front of a scattered, mismatched group of people. He bangs a hammer on the podium.
JIMMY
I hereby call to order the monthly meeting of the Rent is Too Damn High party. And I want to thank you all for your continued allegiance. It’s been a while since we came together, and I know everyone dismissed us as a one-election party, but it looks like we’re here to stay. OK. Let’s get to it. Is the delegate from Harlem present?
A middle-aged black woman who looks about as eccentric as Jimmy stands up.
HARLEM DELEGATE
Present, Jimmy.
JIMMY
And what do you have to report from your district?
HARLEM DELEGATE
Jimmy, the rent in Harlem is still too damn high.
Jimmy slaps the podium in frustration.
JIMMY
Damn! And what are you doing to change it?
HARLEM DELEGATE
Well Jimmy, I went around and I asked all the landlords if they wouldn’t think about lowering the rent since it’s too damn high.
JIMMY
Excellent! Grassroots! And what did they do?
HARLEM DELEGATE
They raised the rent Jimmy.
JIMMY
Foiled again! Is the delegate from Chelsea present?
A young white man stands up.
CHELSEA DELEGATE
Here, Jimmy.
JIMMY
How are conditions in Chelsea?
CHELSEA DELEGATE
Very damn high, Jimmy.
JIMMY
We know that, man! Rent is high everywhere in the five boroughs! That’s a given! But the question is, is it too damn high?
CHELSEA DELEGATE
Yes it is.
JIMMY
It’s these sorts of distinctions that really set us apart, people. And what actions are you taking in Chelsea to turn the tide for the people?
CHELSEA DELEGATE
Well, I got a group together in front of that new high rise on the west side, and we marched in a circle in front of it chanting that the rent was too damn high.
JIMMY
Fantastic! Community involvement! And what happened?
CHELSEA DELEGATE
They raised the rent.
JIMMY
Drat! Even though you clearly told them it’s too damn high?
CHELSEA DELEGATE
They really didn’t seem too concerned.
JIMMY
I am at a loss here, my good people. Our message is simple, and it’s universal, and it’s falling on deaf ears. I’m open to any suggestions.
A YOUNG LADY we haven’t heard from yet stands up.
YOUNG LADY
Mr. McMillan?
JIMMY
Yes young lady?
YOUNG LADY
Do you think maybe we’re limiting ourselves? I mean, if you look at the big guys, they have all kinds of views on all these different issues. We’re really just focused on the one thing, and maybe that’s not healthy.
JIMMY
Of course we’re focused on one thing. It’s right there in the name. And I won’t rest until the rent is no longer too damn high!
YOUNG LADY
But I think people don’t take us seriously, and I think since all our eggs are in that one basket it’s really easy to get discouraged, you know? Maybe we should diversify, try something else for a while. And who knows, maybe we’ll come back to the rent issue afterwards and something will jump out that we never thought about.
JIMMY
What would you have us try out?
YOUNG LADY
I don’t know, there’s all sorts of things. We could work on clean energy, or better transportation, or creating jobs. Anything, really.
JIMMY
And you don’t see the challenge in trying to convince people to listen to the energy plan of something called the Rent is Too Damn High Party? No, no, we’ve made this bed and we are sleeping right in it.
YOUNG LADY
I think maybe that’s part of the problem too. Maybe we should think about a name that’s a little more...universal. The Economic Fairness Party, or the People’s Party, or something like that.
JIMMY
OK. OK. How about the People’s Economic Fairness Because the Rent is Too Damn High Party?
YOUNG LADY
It seems a little bulky? Maybe think about getting away from the “rent is too damn high” part altogether. Maybe don’t swear in the name of your party too. I’m just saying, we want to include as many people as possible, right?
JIMMY
You are turning my world on its ear lady. My entire identity has been built around swearing because the rent is too high. If you take that away from me I’m not sure I’ll know who I am any more.
YOUNG LADY
Mr. McMillan, I think you sell yourself short. I think when you feel lost like that, all you’ll need to do is look in a mirror, and admire those sweet muttonchops, and remember where you came from. Remember that you’re the man who ran for governor of the greatest state in the union, and you’re the man who sat on stage with Andrew Cuomo and said you’d marry someone to a shoe if they wanted it. Remember you’re a champion of both karate and men. And I think you’ll know just who you are.
JIMMY
Young lady, you have inspired me. What’s your name?
YOUNG LADY
Jane, sir.
JIMMY
And how are conditions in your district, Jane?
YOUNG LADY
Well, the rent is too damn high.
Jimmy hangs his head.
END
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