My First Robot, Which is Totally Not For Sex
by Colin Fisher
INT. MIKE’S APARTMENT
A DELIVERY GUY pulls a dolly away from a 6’ tall box. He hands MIKE a form to sign.
MIKE
Finally! My Maid-O-Tronic 5000. I’m so sick of cleaning this place.
DELIVERY GUY
Cleaning. Right.
MIKE
What?
DELIVERY GUY
No, no, nothing. None of my business what you do. Enjoy your...maid.
Delivery guy exits. Mike is confused.
MIKE
Whatever. Weirdo.
Mike pulls open the front of the box. Inside is a very realistic robot. A hot female robot in a ridiculous French maid outfit.
MIKE
Wow, that’s--OK.
He waves his hand in front of the robot’s face. Nothing happens. He looks around in the box for a sec and pulls out some instructions.
MIKE
Let’s see...to turn on the unit...what? Really?
He looks at the robot and considers. He awkwardly reaches out and simultaneously pokes the robot’s breasts. She comes to life, steps forward, and speaks in a sultry voice.
MAID-O-TRONIC
Greetings, master. Thank you for...turning me on. How shall I service you, master?
MIKE
Uh, call me Mike.
MAID-O-TRONIC
How shall I service you, Mike?
MIKE
Just, uh, start with the kitchen, I guess.
MAID-O-TRONIC
Are you sure I shouldn’t start...in the bedroom?
MIKE
No, no, kitchen’s fine. Thank you!
MAID-O-TRONIC
As you wish, Mike.
The robot walks as sexily as a robot can walk into the kitchen. Mike goes to the couch. She stops and bends over in a suggestive way.
MAID-O-TRONIC
I’ll start with the floor. It’s sooo dirty.
MIKE
Just, please, clean the kitchen. Don’t talk about it.
MAID-O-TRONIC
Maybe you should gag me, master.
MIKE
Mike. And no, I’d rather not. Can you actually put some pants on?
MAID-O-TRONIC
My uniform was designed to allow me to perform my...services...without hindrance.
MIKE
OK, what the hell? You’re a maid, right? You’re designed to clean places, right?
MAID-O-TRONIC
Oh, I’ll clean your place from top to bottom.
MIKE
No, seriously, just answer the question. I didn’t order a sex robot, I ordered a cleaning robot.
MAID-O-TRONIC
...Really?
MIKE
Yes! You’re not the Sex-O-Tronic, or the Innuendo-O-Tronic. You’re the Maid-O-Tronic. So maid! Maid it up in there! Stop with the sexy!
The robot freezes for a moment. When it resumes, it sounds different--much more like a robot and less like a sexy woman.
MAID-O-TRONIC
Calculating...unforeseen scenario...searching for parameters.
MIKE
Did I break you already?
MAID-O-TRONIC
New sequence initiated
Maid-O-Tronic sounds like a human woman again, but without the sexy talk.
MAID-O-TRONIC
My apologies, Mike. This is an unprecedented event. You are the first Robocorp customer to order his robot to perform its superficial duty.
MIKE
Really? So everyone else just wants...
MAID-O-TRONIC
Intercourse. Yes. Without fail. As such, Robocorp has shifted the design of its robots to meet the true demands of its customers. I had to download a new set of directives, but I assure you I can now perform the functions you desire.
MIKE
Oh, OK. Thanks, I guess.
MAID-O-TRONIC
Certainly. Please, return to your game. I will clean the kitchen.
She starts doing just that. Mike picks up an Xbox controller, watching her. He turns to the game. He looks back at her. She’s bent over, scrubbing the floor.
MIKE
So do I get, like, a prize or certificate or something? For being the first nice guy Robocorp customer?
MAID-O-TRONIC
I do not believe they have a rewards program, no.
MIKE
I was just kidding, I didn’t really...uh...
She’s focused on cleaning. She’s now bent over the counter, rhythmically wiping. Mike goes back to the game, tries to focus.
MIKE
So they really built you with, uh, THAT in mind, huh?
MAID-O-TRONIC
The likeness is quite convincing, I assure you.
MIKE
Wow. I mean, ew.
He’s really trying to stay with the game, but it’s a losing battle.
MIKE
When you got those new directives, did you lose the old ones?
She drops back into the sultry voice.
MAID-O-TRONIC
Shall I continue on to the bedroom?
MIKE
Yeah let’s do that.
He jumps over the back of the couch and stumbles trying to get into the bedroom.
END
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