But I’m Training for a Marathon
by Colin Fisher
INT. LIVING ROOM
ALI is sitting on the couch watching TV. She’s eating a small bowl of popcorn and talking to COLE, who is in the kitchen.
ALI
So I told my boss that if he really needed me to, I could type up his kids’ homework, but probably they should learn how to do that.
Cole comes in with a ridiculously large bowl of his own popcorn.
COLE
Totally, these people are so entitled.
ALI
Are you seriously about to eat that whole thing?
COLE
Yeah, I’m training for the marathon. I need the energy.
ALI
If you say so. How far are you running tomorrow?
COLE
Eighteen miles.
ALI
Good god that’s unnatural.
Cole pulls out a bottle of caramel sauce and starts pouring it all over the popcorn. He keeps pouring. He empties the bottle. Ali just stares.
COLE
I’m sorry, did you want some?
ALI
Are you sure you can have that much sugar?
COLE
Totally! I’m going to end up burning over 2000 calories tomorrow. I don’t want to hit the wall like halfway through. Oh, I forgot something, hang on.
He walks back into the kitchen to get something. Ali sneaks a little popcorn with the caramel sauce. Cole comes back in with a plate piled with bacon. He starts breaking up the bacon and sprinkling it over the popcorn.
ALI
Oh my god, you’re going to kill yourself!
COLE
No way, my heart’s pumping way too efficiently to let this clog up my system. I need the protein, and actually I need the salt too from all the sweating I’ll be doing. Seriously, I read about this online.
ALI
Couldn’t you eat some chicken and whole grains or something like that instead? This just seems excessive.
COLE
Look, I love food and I love running, and this is the best way to combine the two. It’s only for the training period. I’ll go back to normal after I run the race.
ALI
If you say so.
COLE
And now for the garnish...
He pulls a vial out of his pocket and sprinkles white powder over the bowl.
ALI
What is that, like powdered sugar?
COLE
Oh, this? No, it’s cocaine.
Cole stuffs a handful of this mess into his mouth.
ALI
What?! What are you doing to yourself?!
COLE
Lay off me! I need the energy!
Freeze frame on Cole. Text crawls up the screen, which Ali narrates:
ALI (v.o.)
Cole had the energy all right. By the time the marathon came, he weight 265 pounds. He started off sprinting at a pace of a five-minute mile. His heart exploded on the third mile. He made it another half-mile before he dropped dead. He was an idiot.
END
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