Thursday, August 30, 2012

Wednesday in the Park with the French

Yesterday I jogged in Central Park for the first time in months.  I see we still haven't found a solution for the European tourist problem.  Allow me a few proposals:

  1. Ban them altogether. We reclaim our streets and sidewalks; they get the sense of entitlement you feel when you're banned from a place you don't really like anyway.
  2. When they land at JFK, they must submit to an on-site, six-month course on how Americans regard personal space.  They'll attend sessions such as "That Busy Intersection is a Bad Place for 20 of You to Stand," "Those Subway Stairs are a Bad Place for 20 of You to Stand," and "My Bathroom Door is a Bad Place for 20 of You to Stand (Colon: Who Let You In, and Why Did You Eat All My Cheese?)."   Upon completion they may then leave the airport. 
  3. Dig a trench throughout the park, and allow them to only bike or walk in said trench.  Natives are encouraged to stand along the edge of the trench and hurl both food and insults at them.  We get to vent our frustration at their ability to form progressive governments; they think they're part of a Grotowskian theatrical event.
Win win.