Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Star Trek Prequel Reboot Sequel OKed

Yes, we live in a world where that sentence can exist.

Paramount has given JJ Abrams the green-light to produce a sequel to a film whose release is over a month away. He's already picked his writers, though according to EW "prospective storylines remain a mystery." As does the plot to the movie none of us have seen yet.

Box office analysts are already predicting a 13% underperformance of their predicted take of 53.2 million on the prequel reboot sequel's opening weekend of May 27th, 2011.

Seriously though, while I've always preferred Wars to Trek, vis-a-vis geek adventures amongst the Stars, this new movie looks really awesome.

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Tom Sizemore Allegedly Involved in Thrilling Heist

Said heist occurred at a Verizon store in LA last week, where pens and cellphones were stolen.

Oooh, did you feel that? Goosebumps? No? Yeah, me either.

You'd think Heidi Fleiss' ex-boyfriend-abuser could do a little better, right? This is the guy who, in Saving Private Ryan, got shot in the leg, emptied his sidearm firing at the person then threw it at them. This is the guy responsible for Shooting Sizemore. I'm very let down.

Wait, something just occurred to me here. Perhaps I'm underestimating ol' Super-Sizemore. I bet he's on the cutting edge of some drug trend. Let me extrapolate here: pens and cellphones...hmm...ink...microwave radiation...got it! He's hit on some way to irradiate regular ballpoint ink with microwaves from cellphones, changing the molecular structure to something that provides an intense high when injected. Of course! And in pursuing his high, he needs more and more ink, which requires more and more radiation, far more than just one BlackBerry can provide. Hence the break-in. It all makes sense now.

Or he's just a worthless crackhead and thought he spent last week in Vegas shooting craps with Sinatra.

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

American Idol Trading Cards

Because it's just too hard to tell them apart on television any more.

Because this is literally the only media outlet Ryan Seacrest hasn't made money from.

Because 12-year old girls will sell themselves into white slavery for a new image of David Archuleta.

Set for release April 21 (note to readers: close to my birthday! so don't get me these), the 138-card series will feature past and present contestants, judges, and the omnipresent Seacrest himself.

True to the show's form, the print on Randy's card will be impossible to read, Paula's will inexplicably be a copy of a Chinese menu, and Simon's card will be just a bit bigger than the others.

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Monday, March 16, 2009

We say Sci-Fi, they say SyFy. But they're stupid.

In an attempt to broaden their audience, the Sci Fi Channel will be changing its name to SyFy on July 7. According to Tim Brooks, who helped launch the channel, "The name Sci Fi has been associated with geeks and dysfunctional, antisocial boys in their basements with video games and stuff like that, as opposed to the general public and the female audience in particular." I'm sure the current core audience really appreciates that. That's like Lifetime saying they're changing their name because they're sick of being associated with histrionic menstrual 30-somethings with no boyfriends. Great job!

Not to mention that antisocial boys in their basements are the only people willing to watch such innovative programming as Vipers, the Sci Fi original movie featuring Tara Reid and Corbin Bernsen fighting...wait for it...snakes!

To still further distance themselves from antisocial basement-dwellers, they're working on a secretive game with Trion Worldwide, which will apparently be...an MMORPG? For the uninitiated, think World of Warcraft. Which is not geeky. No. No it is not.

Underlying all this is the decision of the new name itself. SyFy. Looks like Eastender slang for syphylis. Sound it out with me. IT'S THE SAME NAME. In related news, Spike will be changing its network name to Spic.

The new name will coincide with the launch of SyFy's first original show, "Warehouse 13." The title refers to a secret government installation in South Dakota which houses mysterious, sometimes supernatural artifacts. “It is a dramedy and it is set in the here and now. It’s a kind of an Indiana Jones meets ‘Moonlighting’ meets ‘The X-Files,’” Mr. Howe said. “This is a very accessible, relatable, fun show.”

So remember, when you're watching SyFy's new show "Warehouse 13," or an original movie featuring Dean Cain fighting off a prehistoric bus-sized gecko, the channel's not just for geeks any more.

No. No it is not.

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Friday, March 13, 2009

Getting Schooled by Professor Yorke

Megastars Miley Cyrus and Kanye West have both taken shots at Radiohead recently. It's working about as well as Limbaugh's attack on Obama (that's right, I went political).

Cyrus went all tween-y at the Grammys and got her manager to ask if she could meet them backstage, because "they're my rock gods. These are the only people that I would cry over." You can clearly hear Radiohead's influence on Ms. Cyrus in her cover of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." Actually, come to think of it, there is a similarity or two. When both Thom Yorke and Miley perform, I get kinda concerned and think maybe I should put my wallet in their mouths so they don't swallow their tongues.

Needless to say, Radiohead's collective response to the manager was "we don't really do that." Surprisingly some people don't like being wept all over by a babbling felony (thank you Mr. McHale). On a radio show later, Miley claimed she'll "ruin them." This is a band that gave an album away for free and still managed to make millions of dollars. Have fun with that.

Kanye's beef? Also a Grammy snub. So he very boldly sat down when they performed at the show. That'll learn em. Little does Kanye know, Thom's always got one eye on you. One lazy little eye.

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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Disney Eggs. Eggs. From Disney.

Apparently the ad guys at Cartoon Network aren't too sharp on the ol' 10:30-11 PM demographic, because I saw the above commercial during King of the Hill, which is part of Adult Swim. Note to Disney and Cartoon Network: adults think things like Disney-sponsored eggs are incredibly stupid.

Now, on to my slack-jawed amazement. Really, Disney? Eggs? You've got your white-gloved mitts on foods ranging from waffles to delicious ice cream treats, but that wasn't enough, was it? Now you're laying claim to the offspring of our chickens. By simply stamping adorable little cartoon faces on the shells of these aborted fowl, you're telling our children "Hey! Mickey doesn't love you when you eat those lame store-brand eggs. You need to raise your little childhood cholesterol levels and break your parents' willpower and checkbooks by eating OUR eggs!"

What's next? Hannah Montana flour? "Stardom like this will surely implode, so learn to bake now!" Lost bacon? I'm sure Hurley would love to endorse it. (Note: that last comment was not offensive because I was making fun of an overweight fictional character, not the overweight actor who plays him (love you on the show Jorge)). (Further note: yes I am aware Lost is on ABC; it's part of the same media conglomerate as Disney).

"But Colin," you object, "the commercial says Disney eggs are FUN! Why do you hate fun?" Simple, my foolishly naive little reader. Because my faith in the shining beacon of advertising was tarnished long ago.

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Friday, March 6, 2009

Coolio and Boz Making Desperate Comeback

Coolio was arrested for possession of crack (really Coolio, you couldn't play it cool like Craig Robinson and just have some ecstasy?) and Brian Bosworth was arrested for DUI, both today.

I predict Jim J. Bullock will be arrested for statutory sometime Sunday.

Weird Al-suing Coolio and Stone Cold-starring Bosworth have clearly been employing the strategy of laying low for years and getting arrested abruptly to make a new impression on the public. I wonder if they have the same publicist as George Michael?

I blame Dr. Drew. His abilities to keep Gary Busey on television and at least somewhat relevant are sending the wrong message to C-listers. (But for real, how compelling and tragic was it to see him take Rodney King to the place where he was beaten?)

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Thursday, March 5, 2009

Ivana Trump's Marriage a Fake

Because everything associated with the Trump name is so genuine.

The 60-year old married 36-year old Italian model Rossano Rubicondi last year. They were together for about six months.

I don't know about you guys, but having this news item drop days after The Bachelor rug was pulled out from under me just makes me want to hole up in a cave and stop bathing. Because if there's no hope for the ex-wife of The Classiest Hair Cloud in NYC, and there's no hope for reality-TV-based marriage proposals, then what hope is there for the rest of us?

None. That's what.

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Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Bachelor's Big Surprise...wait, what does 'surprise' mean again?

Oh, that's right, it means something unexpected. So why then is everyone across America just AMAZED at the jackassery perpetrated by Jason Meznick on national television? Did they think The Bachelor was somehow above the below-sea-level bar set by other reality shows? Or that whatever couple formed would stay together anyway? Because so far the show is 0 for 12 (I'm not counting seasons 6 and 7: 6 had domestic abuse charges brought up and dropped, and I think the lesser O'Connell and his pick are staying together so they can make another show).

Let's face it. Batshit crazy is to reality television what herpes is to a small midwestern high school. Just because you don't show symptoms doesn't mean you don't have it, or will have it soon.

Honestly, I think I might have a modicum more of respect for VH1's reality pool, shallow and scummy though it may be. At least getting on one of their shows pretty much guarantees you a job for the next few years. You have three prospects on The Bachelor/ette: get booted and disappear, win so you can be dumped later, or almost win so you can go on the other show and get dumped later. Very promising. At least they don't drag their kids into it.

Wait, what?

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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Mekhi Phifer Mistakenly Says "People Make Mistakes"

He's weighing in on Chris Brown. First mistake: weighing in on Chris Brown. It's Scylla and Charybdis. Nothing's been proven yet, so to villainize him could make you look like an idiot relatively soon. Probably not, but it could. To say anything remotely un-negative about it implies support of domestic abuse, no matter your intent (re: Kenan Thompson). So it's best to avoid the topic. Which isn't that difficult.

For most of us, anyway. Can you spot his second mistake?

"People make mistakes—and while I don't condone what happened that night, you know, what Chris did to her—I remember being young, 19, and at that age it seemed like everything was so over-the-top, and everyone's so passionate about things at the age."

Sure, I totally agree. Without the perspective of past experience and age, you think everything that's happening is the end-all be-all, and you feel things so strongly. I get it. I dated a girl that oftentimes made me want to see if I could put my head through a brick wall. We got into an argument once, and before I knew it we were screaming at each other in the street at 4 AM. I am not a screamer. I stifle. I push it down and sit on it. But there we were. And not once did it ever even begin to occur to me to raise a hand against her.

People do make mistakes. They make mistakes on their taxes. They forget to do the dishes. They insist on shouting out "sock!" in Pictionary, when you've clearly drawn a hiking boot. But whoever may have beaten the shit out of Rihanna did waaaay more than make a mistake. They completely destroyed their own future. And Jay-Z will most probably kill them.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Andie MacDowell Denies Ageism in Hollywood

"I'm not working because I'm not very good, not because I'm over the hill."

Ms. MacDowell goes on to claim that there are plenty of rich roles for slightly aged women. "We can play housewives inappropriately hitting on the attractive young male lead. We can play women desperately trying to forget how old we are during montage-laden girls-only vacation scenes. We can play women who, with decades of life experience, still define ourselves by men. So yeah. I think things are looking pretty good for the MILFs."