Thursday, March 19, 2009

Tom Sizemore Allegedly Involved in Thrilling Heist

Said heist occurred at a Verizon store in LA last week, where pens and cellphones were stolen.

Oooh, did you feel that? Goosebumps? No? Yeah, me either.

You'd think Heidi Fleiss' ex-boyfriend-abuser could do a little better, right? This is the guy who, in Saving Private Ryan, got shot in the leg, emptied his sidearm firing at the person then threw it at them. This is the guy responsible for Shooting Sizemore. I'm very let down.

Wait, something just occurred to me here. Perhaps I'm underestimating ol' Super-Sizemore. I bet he's on the cutting edge of some drug trend. Let me extrapolate here: pens and it! He's hit on some way to irradiate regular ballpoint ink with microwaves from cellphones, changing the molecular structure to something that provides an intense high when injected. Of course! And in pursuing his high, he needs more and more ink, which requires more and more radiation, far more than just one BlackBerry can provide. Hence the break-in. It all makes sense now.

Or he's just a worthless crackhead and thought he spent last week in Vegas shooting craps with Sinatra.

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  1. This story is ridiculous. Also, I read over at CDaN ( highlighters were stolen, too. Now where does that fit into the plan?

  2. Ooh, highlighters eh? Maybe that cuts the ink, like lactose in coke. Or he's in so deep he's mixing pigments now. Probably the latter.