Friday, February 20, 2009

NY Post Kings of Comedy

Sure, sure, we've all heard the story. Sean Delonas, a cartoonist for the NY Post (a bastion of fairness and sanity in the city here (no not really)), drew a cartoon of cops shooting a chimp who apparently wrote a stimulus bill. Al Sharpton got mad, etc etc. I actually don't think the racism was intended, but I think that's gotta be one of the laziest editorial cartoons I've ever seen. Just because two stories happen in the same week doesn't mean it makes any sense to put them in the same cartoon. However, it would be awesome for my life if the NY Post was never again on newsstands, so I totally support the Rev. Sharpton in his efforts.

What you may not know is the cartoon we saw was one of several drafts the now-unemployed Delonas came up with. Others include:
  • Chris Brown beating the crap out of a chimp giving birth to eight babies, telling the chimp "I'll show you a stimulus."
  • A grizzled Joaquin Phoenix staring awkwardly at a chimp under house arrest for bilking billions out of unwitting investors, until the chimp dies of boredom. After which Phoenix raps the word "stimulus" over and over.
  • Hugh Jackman presenting an Oscar to a chimp in a car seat. The chimp is drugged after a dentist visit, and there's a little thought bubble over him saying "Is this stimulus real?" Then the chimp randomly screams and dies.
  • A chimp is flying a plane with Jessica Simpson (in mom jeans) and Simon Cowell in the cockpit. The chimp is telling the tower, "I'm putting this stimulus down in the Hudson."
  • Amy Fisher is shooting a chimp in the face while saying "This is for Stimulus Buttafuoco."

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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Shameless Plug Time!

This is the first episode of a new web comedy I'm in, Citizen's Arrest:

We also have a dedicated website that's pretty cool. And if I may toot my own horn, I wrote a lot of the content there, such as the character info, trivia, and citizen's arrest guide.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Lost American Idol

Starting March 11, American Idol will switch timeslots with Lie to Me (or whatever show has replaced it by then), bringing it head-to-head with Lost over on ABC. This is bad news for that rarest of 18-32 demographics, The Geek with Terrible Taste in Television. Thank god for DVRs, am I right?

I thought about this, and meditated, and looked inward, and drank a little. Why compete with each other, O Mighty Ratings Behemoths? Why not join forces? I think American Idol could benefit from a little JJ Abrams, and Lost could certainly use the advice of Simon Fuller to pull in more idiots, a population slice they're definitely missing. What might this merger look like?
  • Instead of following a specific bearing, island dwellers on Lost must sing "I Will Always Love You" just slightly off-key to escape the clutches of the island.
  • When contestants on Idol lose the vote, their goodbye video package is now a Dharma Initiative instructional reel explaining to them just why they weren't good enough.
  • Switcheroo! The island's Temple is now guarded by an amorphous Randy Jackson, while the first judge to give feedback on Idol will be a Smoke Monster wearing pimp shoes. He can't speak, but no one will notice the change.
  • Sayid is now the fifth judge, and a tie-breaker. If the judges are split, Sayid will force the contestant to sing Mariah Carey while he hooks a car battery to their nipples and drives bamboo under their nails. Not surprisingly, this will help them sound more like Mimi.

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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Celebrities Officially Losing Their Damn Minds

Joaquin Phoenix apparently not kidding about rap career. Christian Bale not kidding about his eyeline. Michael Phelps hitting a bong. Chris Brown hitting Rihanna. Miley Cyrus hating Asians. What in the hell is happening?

I don't know about you, dear readers, but I'm frightened. Could these be precursors to the impending doom of 2012? I'm talking about the Mayans, not Roland Emmerich, though from the look of it you could lump that in there as well (I just discovered there are three films coming up entitled 2012--really, people?). I don't think that's the case. I have a theory. I think there's a virus affecting only the famous, sort of like the X-Men's Legacy virus, or AIDS before those damn bisexuals messed it up for everyone. Think of everything this would explain: Mel Gibson, Britney, Lindsey Lohan (is she in remission--is there hope?), Gary Busey (nevermind, that was massive brain trauma), Tyra. You get the point.

I know exactly where it started. Who's the first superfamous celebrity to go absolutely batshit crazy at the top of their game? Michael Jackson. Sleeping in that hyperbaric chamber must have mutated a common cold or one of those other viruses we always carry around on us. Think of all the people he came into contact with in the 80's! And he knows he has it! That completely explains the ever-present surgical mask. I bet it takes a while to gestate. On Aug. 29, 2002, Britney presented Jackson with that award that he super-awkwardly thought was Artist of the Millennium. Was his mouth covered? No. Did she go batshit crazy within a couple years? Yes.

It's infected enough superstars now that its growth is exponential, which means there will be more and more waves of completely unpredictable celebrity behavior. Lil Wayne writing a postmodern metafictional novel. Ryan Seacrest dating women. Courtney Love living clean.

Years of vampire movies have taught me how to handle this. We have to kill the head psycho, and everyone he's affected will go back to normal. It's in our hands now. I'm afraid if we don't act soon, Brad might beat the crap out of Angelina. Do you want that on your hands?

On second thought...

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Friday, February 6, 2009

Jessica is the new Britney

It's true. Slowly inflating, performing at chili festivals, and now completely melting down in front of audiences. While opening for Rascal Flatts (hey, did you know Jessica Simpson is country now?) in Michigan, Simpson flubbed the lyrics for several songs, her band was forced to start over several songs, and she tearfully told the audience that sometimes she wishes she could just walk off the stage.

I'm not stopping her. Are you?

She's doing the patented Britney Spears Career Destruction (tm) workshop backwards though.

1. Marry an STD with facial hair. Romo's way too clean cut, and he could quit playing tomorrow and live comfortably the rest of his life. Plus they're not even married, and they've known each other WAY too long.

2. Gain weight. Check.

3. Squirt out some kids. Hmm. Maybe that could explain the weight? Undecided.

4. Ditch the STD and show everyone your vagina. Well, see #1. Vagina? Could show up any day now.

5. Scare the shit out of everyone with highly erratic public behavior. Hasn't happened yet, but perhaps this concert was her attempt at step 5? If so, incorrect. Because...

6. After you've completely wrecked your public image, you take time off and then do a really lackadaisical, disappointing concert. See, she totally skipped from #2 to #6. All wrong.

7. Take more time off, then stand back as your dad completely takes over your life and makes you reboot your career so he can afford more grits. All the grits he wants. All grits, all the time. She's doing this backwards too, because her dad took over her life when she was like 16.

You know what? I know why this is happening out of order. She got the Spears (tm) manual in the mail, but that doesn't do you any good if you can't read.

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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Etta James gets it--Why doesn't everyone else?

In an audio clip that surfaced today, Etta James can be heard to say she would "whip" Beyonce for singing "her song" at one of the 73 balls the night of the inauguration (the song being, of course, "Milkshake"--just kidding, it's actually "Thunderstruck," made famous by the AC/DC cover). James goes on to say, "The great Beyonce...I can't stand Beyonce."


I guess Ms. James drinks bottled water exclusively, because apparently Beyonce's stage dad put some sort of mind-control chemical in our water supply that has people thinking she's worth listening to. Seriously, how can someone who performs such bombastic garbage have so little personality? I was an extra on the SNL where Timberlake and the guys were her backup dancers, so I saw her with no makeup. You wouldn't look twice if you saw her on the street that way. And she was barely there upstairs. Just sayin.

Wow, not many jokes in this one. It was mostly just mean. OK, here's one for you. Beyonce walks into a bar with a midget and a duck, and the bartender says "Get the fuck out of my bar, I hate your music."

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Monday, February 2, 2009

NOW That's What I Call Evil!

In an alliance formed in the bowels of Hell, the middle-aged suits behind the NOW CD series (anthologizing forgettable music since 1999!) and the sadists that run American Idol are teaming up to bring us what we have not, in any way, been asking for: a pop music TV show in the vein of American Bandstand or TRL.

Simon Fuller, creator of American Idol and international war criminal, says "This show will unite the whole music industry and give it one voice." Because as we all know, his show and the NOW series display an eclectic range of influences, from crap to garbage.

Apparently a previous attempt to use the NOW brand in a TV show at NBC never even got off the ground. And TRL just ended its reign of homogenizing devilry. So these guys clearly have their fingers on the pulse of a dead horse.

Bob Mercer, head of NOW, wants the show to be a unifying force for the music industry to help fight the influence of the Internet, which has made it easier for people to form their own opinions and listen to what the want to listen to. And you know what? I think he'll succeed. He'll succeed in unifying everyone over 14 with an IQ above 80 in complete hatred. Best of luck, sir.

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Attention Journalists:

Repeatedly talking about how many people are talking about Rod Blagojevich is creating a feedback loop that threatens the very existence of the space-time-douchebag continuum. Please stop before we're all destroyed by corrupt toupees.

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