Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Lost American Idol

Starting March 11, American Idol will switch timeslots with Lie to Me (or whatever show has replaced it by then), bringing it head-to-head with Lost over on ABC. This is bad news for that rarest of 18-32 demographics, The Geek with Terrible Taste in Television. Thank god for DVRs, am I right?

I thought about this, and meditated, and looked inward, and drank a little. Why compete with each other, O Mighty Ratings Behemoths? Why not join forces? I think American Idol could benefit from a little JJ Abrams, and Lost could certainly use the advice of Simon Fuller to pull in more idiots, a population slice they're definitely missing. What might this merger look like?
  • Instead of following a specific bearing, island dwellers on Lost must sing "I Will Always Love You" just slightly off-key to escape the clutches of the island.
  • When contestants on Idol lose the vote, their goodbye video package is now a Dharma Initiative instructional reel explaining to them just why they weren't good enough.
  • Switcheroo! The island's Temple is now guarded by an amorphous Randy Jackson, while the first judge to give feedback on Idol will be a Smoke Monster wearing pimp shoes. He can't speak, but no one will notice the change.
  • Sayid is now the fifth judge, and a tie-breaker. If the judges are split, Sayid will force the contestant to sing Mariah Carey while he hooks a car battery to their nipples and drives bamboo under their nails. Not surprisingly, this will help them sound more like Mimi.

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