Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Celebrities Officially Losing Their Damn Minds

Joaquin Phoenix apparently not kidding about rap career. Christian Bale not kidding about his eyeline. Michael Phelps hitting a bong. Chris Brown hitting Rihanna. Miley Cyrus hating Asians. What in the hell is happening?

I don't know about you, dear readers, but I'm frightened. Could these be precursors to the impending doom of 2012? I'm talking about the Mayans, not Roland Emmerich, though from the look of it you could lump that in there as well (I just discovered there are three films coming up entitled 2012--really, people?). I don't think that's the case. I have a theory. I think there's a virus affecting only the famous, sort of like the X-Men's Legacy virus, or AIDS before those damn bisexuals messed it up for everyone. Think of everything this would explain: Mel Gibson, Britney, Lindsey Lohan (is she in remission--is there hope?), Gary Busey (nevermind, that was massive brain trauma), Tyra. You get the point.

I know exactly where it started. Who's the first superfamous celebrity to go absolutely batshit crazy at the top of their game? Michael Jackson. Sleeping in that hyperbaric chamber must have mutated a common cold or one of those other viruses we always carry around on us. Think of all the people he came into contact with in the 80's! And he knows he has it! That completely explains the ever-present surgical mask. I bet it takes a while to gestate. On Aug. 29, 2002, Britney presented Jackson with that award that he super-awkwardly thought was Artist of the Millennium. Was his mouth covered? No. Did she go batshit crazy within a couple years? Yes.

It's infected enough superstars now that its growth is exponential, which means there will be more and more waves of completely unpredictable celebrity behavior. Lil Wayne writing a postmodern metafictional novel. Ryan Seacrest dating women. Courtney Love living clean.

Years of vampire movies have taught me how to handle this. We have to kill the head psycho, and everyone he's affected will go back to normal. It's in our hands now. I'm afraid if we don't act soon, Brad might beat the crap out of Angelina. Do you want that on your hands?

On second thought...

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