Friday, February 6, 2009

Jessica is the new Britney

It's true. Slowly inflating, performing at chili festivals, and now completely melting down in front of audiences. While opening for Rascal Flatts (hey, did you know Jessica Simpson is country now?) in Michigan, Simpson flubbed the lyrics for several songs, her band was forced to start over several songs, and she tearfully told the audience that sometimes she wishes she could just walk off the stage.

I'm not stopping her. Are you?

She's doing the patented Britney Spears Career Destruction (tm) workshop backwards though.

1. Marry an STD with facial hair. Romo's way too clean cut, and he could quit playing tomorrow and live comfortably the rest of his life. Plus they're not even married, and they've known each other WAY too long.

2. Gain weight. Check.

3. Squirt out some kids. Hmm. Maybe that could explain the weight? Undecided.

4. Ditch the STD and show everyone your vagina. Well, see #1. Vagina? Could show up any day now.

5. Scare the shit out of everyone with highly erratic public behavior. Hasn't happened yet, but perhaps this concert was her attempt at step 5? If so, incorrect. Because...

6. After you've completely wrecked your public image, you take time off and then do a really lackadaisical, disappointing concert. See, she totally skipped from #2 to #6. All wrong.

7. Take more time off, then stand back as your dad completely takes over your life and makes you reboot your career so he can afford more grits. All the grits he wants. All grits, all the time. She's doing this backwards too, because her dad took over her life when she was like 16.

You know what? I know why this is happening out of order. She got the Spears (tm) manual in the mail, but that doesn't do you any good if you can't read.

Share on Facebook

No comments:

Post a Comment