Mitt Romney Press Conference
by Colin Fisher
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE ROOM, which for the sake of this sketch is a thing
MITT ROMNEY walks to the podium. He looks awful, rumpled suit, slouched, bedhead. Reporters wait expectantly in chairs opposite.
MITT
Hey guys. Thanks for coming in on short notice.
REPORTER 1
Governor Romney, is it true you’re thinking of withdrawing from the race?
MITT
Jack, calm down man. I haven’t even started. I just need to get some stuff off my chest, OK?
He takes a deep breath. He has no notecards or anything. He just kind of stares off for a few beats.
REPORTER 2
Governor Romney?
MITT
Whoa, sorry. So, as you can see I’m exhausted. I know the stories you guys are putting out there: my campaign’s out of control, I have a bad case of foot in mouth disease, yada yada. Here’s the thing. I’ve been campaigning for six years. Six. Do you have any idea what that’s like? No, you don’t, because NO ONE’S EVER DONE THAT BEFORE. Sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped. So that was two thousand...six? Seven? Yeah. I’ve been doing this since before Facebook. I don’t even remember what my initial talking points were back then. I think I was for abortion and against Howard Dean, or something. I don’t know. It’s been a long road. So you’ll excuse us if maybe there seems to be a little disarray, or maybe some of us get a little punchy from time to time. But this is the path I’m on, and I’m sticking to it. It’s the only job I’ve had for the last five years. I forgot what it’s like to not fundraise. The other day a German kid walked up to me and asked for directions, and I just said “thanks for your support, it’s serving people like you that keeps my eye on the ball.”
REPORTER 1
So you’re not withdrawing?
MITT
No, Jack! God! Have you been listening?
REPORTER 1
Well, why not? I mean you’re obviously not enjoying this, and it really doesn’t look like you need to continue.
Mitt starts to cry some, but like a little kid. Whiny.
MITT
I don’t know! I don’t know what else to do! This is just what I’m supposed to do! But why is it so hard? Why don’t people just let me be president?
REPORTER 2
It’s OK governor. It’s OK. Shhh.
Mitt starts doing that thing where he’s crying and gasping for air in between words.
MITT
It’s just...that...my dad...he always wanted...to be president. And I thought...since he didn’t get to...he’d like to see me...be president...but they won’t let me! Nobody likes me!
REPORTER 2
Shhh, it’s not that no one likes you. They just...they don’t know you! Right? We know you! We like you! Right guys?
The most half-hearted group of “Yeah” and “Sure” and “OK” ever. Reporter 2 shoots the other reporters a look. A more confident “Yeah!” after that.
MITT
Really? You guys like me?
REPORTER 1
Sure we do Mitt!
MITT
Don’t call me by my given name.
REPORTER 1
Governor.
MITT
Really?
REPORTER 1
More and more every day.
MITT
And you guys will keep reporting on me?
REPORTER 2
Of course we will, governor. We’re signed on for the whole campaign.
MITT
And you’ll be nicer and stop telling the country all the things I do that they don’t like?
REPORTER 1
...you betcha.
MITT
Thanks guys. You really made me feel better. I’m gonna go meet with my team and come up with a new strategy.
A newspaper spins into frame, with a picture of Mitt crying at the podium and a gigantic headline above him reading OMFG.
END
Quite entertaining. I've been focusing on tweeting from "RomneyBot_Says", but it's hard to do much in the small format. Actually, my current theory is that the neo-GOP has the advantage there, because they really are thinking in such tiny bits. If the truth is longer than a tweet, they can't even consider it.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, RomneyBot_Says: "I am entitled to be president, but you are not entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness because you are not a corporation."
Thanks for reading! I'm afraid you're right about the truth; it takes time to explain and not enough of the electorate has the patience or willpower to listen. Hard thing to turn around. So I'll just write sketches about it.
ReplyDelete