Casting Session
by Colin Fisher
INT. STUDIO
A CASTING DIRECTOR, a woman in her 40s, is alone in the room behind a table. There’s a camera set up in front of her, pointing at a chair at the other end of the room. She yells:
DIRECTOR
Next!
A nice-looking young man comes in, eager to please.
ED
Hi, I’m Ed. Pleasure to meet you.
DIRECTOR
Headshot?
ED
Oh, yes, here you go.
DIRECTOR
Great. Have a seat.
He does. She doesn’t really look at him for this next little bit, just the camera.
DIRECTOR
OK, I know this is just one quick line, but we’ll try it a few times. Slate your name please.
ED
Hi, my name is Ed Schulz.
DIRECTOR
Whenever you’re ready.
Ed takes a moment, then delivers his line pretty well.
ED
Miss, are you OK?
DIRECTOR
Great. Now do it like you’re a backstabbing son of a bitch. Because you probably are.
ED
Whoa. OK. Is that what’s going on with the character?
DIRECTOR
Sure. Give it a shot.
Ed’s a little slimier on the next take.
ED
Miss, are you OK?
DIRECTOR
Alright. Now do it like you’re hiding the fact that you’ve been sleeping with the babysitter because you know it would ruin the family you’ve spent 17 years building.
ED
Um, isn’t this character only 25?
DIRECTOR
Are you an actor or not?
ED
I am. I definitely am. OK.
He takes a moment. He actually manages to convey what she’s asking.
ED
Miss, are you OK?
DIRECTOR
Alright. One last time. This time, your wife just walked in from a really long day of casting this crappy action movie, and she found you in the middle of something she would never imagine you’re capable of, with a girl half your age, whom she’s been paying to take care of your three beautiful children for the last two years. GO.
ED
Are you OK?
DIRECTOR
Great, thanks Ed.
ED
No, seriously, are you alright? Is something going on?
DIRECTOR
What makes you think that?
ED
I don’t know, maybe the insanely specific directions you’ve been giving me and your general tone and pretty much everything that’s happened since I walked in the room.
DIRECTOR
I’m fine. Tell the next person to come in.
ED
OK.
Ed goes to the door. Right before he opens it, without looking at him the director puts her hand lovingly on his headshot and says
DIRECTOR
Ed?
He turns and looks at her. She pulls a complete emotional 180 a la Willy Wonka at the end of the movie.
DIRECTOR
My boy...you won! You did it!
ED
Won what? Huh?
DIRECTOR
The chance to cast this movie! Oh, forgive me for putting you through that. Congratulations! I have to go beat the crap out of a 21-year old slut now. Thank you!
She rushes out of the room, elated. He stands looking at the door, completely at a loss.
END
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