The Space Station Show
by Colin Fisher
EXT. SPACE
The International Space Station floats in the shot.
MIKE V.O.
And now, back to the Space Station Show!
INT. LIVING MODULE ONBOARD THE ISS
DONNA is at a little table, “cooking” by adding water to some ingredients and stirring. MIKE floats into the module. One person off-camera claps.
DONNA
Hello Mike dear! How was your space walk?
MIKE
Brutal. Mission control can be a real slave driver sometimes, I tell ya. When’s dinner?
DONNA
It’ll be ready in just a few minutes.
MIKE
Great! My stomach’s as empty as the void surrounding this space station.
The person off-camera laughs hysterically.
IVAN, the Russian cosmonaut stationed on the ISS, floats quickly and awkwardly through the doorway banging into things a la Kramer. He’s got weird hair. The person off-camera laughs and cheers.
IVAN
Bozhe moi! Are you shrinking doors on me?
MIKE
No, Ivan. It’s the same size it always is.
IVAN
I think maybe you are pulling prank on me, neighbor. Typical American!
DONNA
What did you come over for today, Ivan?
IVAN
A friend cannot come to see his comrades now and again?
MIKE
You sure can’t seem to.
Off-camera laugh.
IVAN
So distrustful! Is no wonder Cold War lasted four decades!
MIKE
What do you need, Ivan?
IVAN
Nothing! Companionship! Time with friends! Maybe cup of Tang!
DONNA
And here you go.
IVAN
Thank you, comrade! Will be seeing you!
He leaves as clumsily as he came. Applause from the off-camera guy. Mike float-sits, heaves a big sigh. Donna messes something up.
DONNA
Darn it! Darn it all!
MIKE
Whoa, hey, what’s wrong?
DONNA
I think I added too much water, and now our dinner is all ruined! Darn it!
MIKE
Hey, it’s OK! Calm down! Are you sure that’s all that’s on your mind? You seem so tense.
DONNA
Well, maybe not.
MIKE
Donna, what is it?
DONNA
It’s just, you’re so busy with work and everything that sometimes...sometimes I worry that you forget about me.
MIKE
Hey, I could never do that! You’re the most special gal in the whole world! The whole solar system! And trust me, I know solar systems, OK?
Off-camera “ha!”
MIKE (cont’d)
Really, you’re the most important thing to me, and if I haven’t been reminding you that that’s true, well, then, I guess I better shape up, I love you, Donna.
DONNA
I love you too.
Off-camera “aww.”
MIKE
Now get some straws. Let’s drink this dinner. Is there any water?
DONNA
Here you go.
She hands him a pouch with clear liquid inside. He takes a sip, spits it out.
MIKE
That’s not water, that’s vodka! IIIIIIVAN!
Laughter.
FADE OUT
INT. SLEEPING POD
Mike and Donna are “in bed,” strapped to a wall with velcro. There’s a third person, a man, strapped in next to them. He is the man we heard reacting off-camera. Donna and the man sleep while Mike writes.
MIKE V.O.
The entire crew of the space station is deep in the clutches of space madness. Today we acted out an entire episode of a fictional sitcom. No news from mission control on when our relief may come. Repeated attempts to convey gravity of situation to them have failed. I fear the worst if we’re forced to stay here much longer. Jim has clearly regressed beyond our help. He demands more episodes of The Space Station Show. We’re running low on tranquilizers. Help me Diary. You’re my only hope. Sincerely, Buzz Goddamn Lightyear.
CUT TO Mike’s hands. He’s not actually writing on anything, just miming holding a pen in one hand and writing the other. He puts the fake diary on the wall next to him, then just stares straight ahead.
END
No comments:
Post a Comment