Voter ID Laws
by Colin Fisher
INT. POLLING STATION
CAL walks up to a desk manned by an elderly POLL WORKER. Cal is a white man in his 20s.
CAL
Hi, I’m here to vote.
WORKER
Photo ID please.
CAL
Sure.
He hands it to her.
WORKER
OK Mr. Flynn, I’ve got you right here. Are you still at 238 Main?
CAL
Yes ma’am.
WORKER
Alrighty. I have a few more questions here, just routine stuff for the new voter ID laws.
CAL
Oh, OK.
She begins reading from a form on a clipboard.
WORKER
Have you been convicted of a felony since you received your registration?
CAL
No.
WORKER
Have you had any felonious thoughts?
CAL
Thoughts? Uh, what constitutes a felony again?
WORKER
Oh, you know, murder, theft, arson, battery, rape.
CAL
And you’re asking if I’ve thought about any of those things?
WORKER
Sure.
CAL
Well, I haven’t made plans to do any of them.
WORKER
But you have thought about them?
CAL
Well I’m thinking about them right now, because we’re talking about it, but--
WORKER
Ah, I see.
She makes a little mark on the clipboard.
CAL
Wait, what was that mark?
WORKER
Oh, don’t worry, we’ll evaluate all this when we’re done. Are you black?
CAL
Huh?
WORKER
Are you a black person? Oh, excuse me, African American?
Cal just looks at her like “seriously?”
WORKER (cont’d)
I’m legally required to ask all of these.
CAL
No. No I am not black.
WORKER
Have you met any black people recently?
CAL
Not personally, no.
WORKER
Have you seen any?
CAL
Ever?
WORKER
Let’s say within the last four months.
CAL
Yeah. I have.
WORKER
Huh.
She makes another mark, shakes her head a little.
CAL
Is this legal? I feel like if I’m registered I’m just supposed to walk in and vote.
WORKER
Considering that our state assembly just passed the laws that say I have to do this, then yes, I think this is legal. Are you poor?
CAL
Is that a question on the form or are you insulting me?
WORKER
It’s on the form.
CAL
What do they mean by “poor?”
WORKER
I think it’s one of those you-know-it-when-you-see-it things.
CAL
Then no, I’m not poor.
WORKER
Ah.
She nods approvingly, makes her mark.
WORKER
And are you a woman?
CAL
No.
WORKER
Have you ever been a woman?
CAL
No.
WORKER
Will you ever be a woman?
CAL
Probably not.
WORKER
Hmm.
Makes her mark.
WORKER
Almost there. Are you going to vote for Mitt Romney?
CAL
That’s none of your business.
WORKER
OK, I have a subset of questions for that answer. Have you been watching the news in the last few months?
CAL
Yes.
WORKER
Did you see the Republican National Convention?
CAL
Yep.
WORKER
Do you watch any comedy at all on television?
CAL
Mostly, yeah.
WORKER
Do you have any degrees?
CAL
Yes.
WORKER
Alrighty, thanks for your answers. Let’s see here...
She does some figuring.
WORKER
OK Mr. Flynn. We won’t be needing your vote this year, but please try again in four years. Have a nice day.
CAL
Right.
He turns and leaves. Newspaper spins in with the headline “ROMNEY STILL MANAGES TO LOSE.”
END
No comments:
Post a Comment