Pass Me the Pen
by Colin Fisher
INT. OFFICE
A cubicle with two desks, one empty and one occupied by MARV. STEVE and HR GUY walk up to the cubicle.
HR GUY
And here’s where you’ll be working. This is Marv. Marv, this is Steve. He just started here, he’ll be sharing your cubicle with you.
Marv looks up and does a little double-take on Steve, tries to figure out how he knows him.
STEVE
Great, thanks.
HR GUY
Just let me know if you need anything.
HR Guy walks away. Steve sits down, Marv still looking at him.
STEVE
Hey, nice to meet you.
MARV
You too. You look really familiar, have we met?
Steve is used to this sort of thing. He’s not surprised it’s happening and he’s not thrilled.
STEVE
No, I don’t think so.
MARV
Really? Because I could swear...
Steve sighs.
STEVE
You probably saw me in a commercial about five years ago. That Bic pen commercial with the big Italian family?
MARV
Holy shit! Holy shit! That’s totally you! “Pass-a the pen!”
Steve winces.
STEVE
Yep.
MARV
Wow man! You’re like the most famous person I’ve ever met! What are you doing here?
STEVE
Uh, well, work kinda dried up after that. Turns out no one wants to put the “pass-a the pen” guy in an action movie. Or any movie. Or TV show. Or other commercial.
MARV
Huh, go figure. Well, welcome Steve! I’ll let you get settled in and everything. So cool that you’re sitting right here!
STEVE
Yeah. Thanks Marv.
Steve turns to his computer, turns it on, checks out the stuff on his desk. Marv picks up his phone and dials.
MARV
Hey babe. No. No, I won’t. Shut up. Listen. There’s a new guy in my cubicle. You’re never gonna guess. Guess.
Steve looks over his shoulder at Marv like “seriously?”
MARV
I told you you wouldn’t guess. Remember the “pass-a the pen” commercial? Yeah. That guy! He’s right here, seriously!
STEVE
Hey, Marv? It’s really not a big deal any more, I’d prefer it if you didn’t--
MARV
Hang on babe. Shut up. What’s that Steve?
STEVE
I’m really just trying to fit in here, so I’d prefer it if everyone didn’t talk about that commercial all the time. That’s all.
MARV
Oh, OK. Cool, I get it. Babe? Yeah, I don’t think he’s going to say it for you. Nah. OK. See you tonight. Shut up.
Marv hangs up the phone.
STEVE
I’m sorry, I don’t want to be a dick. But people have been yelling that line at me on the street for five years. I really just want to move on.
MARV
I totally get it man, seriously.
HR Guy comes back with some papers.
HR GUY
Hey Steve, here’s that tax and payroll stuff. Just fill that out and get it back to me as soon as you can.
STEVE
Great, thanks.
HR Guy leaves. Steve looks around his desk for something to fill out the forms with. It’s empty. He turns around and sees a cup full of pens on Marv’s desk. Steve looks like he wants to kill himself. He turns back, looks at the forms. Thinks. Gets out his keys and tries scratching his name on the form with them. It naturally doesn’t work. He shakes his head, musters willpower.
STEVE
Marv, could you...hand me...something to write with.
Marv turns around slowly, malicious glee all over his face. He picks up a pen.
MARV
Like this?
STEVE
Yeah.
MARV
What is this again?
STEVE
It’s something to write with. A writing utensil.
MARV
You mean a pencil? You’re telling me this is a pencil?
STEVE
No, it’s not.
MARV
What is it?
STEVE
Seriously man?
MARV
I’m just curious.
STEVE
It’s a pen. A pen. You are holding a pen. Could you hand it to me?
MARV
I guess I could.
STEVE
Then would you please?
MARV
I dunno, “handing” it to you just sounds so...crude. Like, if we were at a fancy dinner table, I wouldn’t just “hand” you the croutons, or whatever.
STEVE
But we’re in an office. And I need that pen for these forms so I can get paid. So give it.
MARV
Not so fast Steve.
STEVE
Please don’t do this.
MARV
Don’t do what?
STEVE
I’m not going to say it.
MARV
Say what? Say what quarterbacks do with the football?
STEVE
They pass it. They pass the football.
Steve tries to snatch the pen. Marv pulls it back.
MARV
Look, just say it once. Say it this one time and I’ll never ask you to say it again. I promise. I won’t tell anyone who you are, and I won’t ask you to say it again.
STEVE
You promise?
MARV
Totally.
STEVE
Fine. “Pass-a the pen!”
MARV
HAHAHAHA YES! YES!
Marv hands Steve the pen. He turns to write on his forms. The pen’s dry.
STEVE
It doesn’t work.
MARV
Yeah, these are all old as shit. I never use them.
Steve bangs his head on the desk.
END
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