The Continuing Adventures of Buck Neutronium Part 1
by Colin Fisher
INT. BRIDGE OF BUCK NEUTRONIUM’S SPACESHIP
Warning lights are flashing and a siren sounds. LILANDRA, a sexy female robot, sits at a console calmly pressing buttons. QUARG, a gross male alien, is at another console kind of freaking out.
LILANDRA
Sensors show a spacecraft on intercept trajectory, ETA two minutes.
QUARG
By the beasts of R’fleurg, where’s the captain? Only Buck Neutronium can get us out of a jam like this!
BUCK comes stumbling through the hatch, attempting to finish putting on a flashy jumpsuit.
BUCK
I don’t understand why our clothing is so complicated. You know people just used to wear these things called “t-shirts?”
LILANDRA
Possibly hostile spacecraft on approach captain. What is your preferred course of action?
BUCK
As hostile as you are to my advances, Lilandra? My preferred course of action is to finally teach you what love is.
QUARG
This makes me very uncomfortable, captain.
BUCK
Silence, Quarg! What do you know of the human heart? How many chambers are in a Kryflugian heart?
QUARG
17, sir, but that actually has nothing to do with love.
BUCK
And that’s exactly why you’ll never understand my desire for Lilandra.
QUARG
But she’s a robot.
BUCK
I said SILENCE! We’ve been in space a long time. And you’re disgusting.
QUARG
...I know.
LILANDRA
Transmission from spacecraft incoming, sir.
BUCK
Put them up on the big screen.
The monitor comes to life. REINCE PRIEBUS, a white male in his 40s, appears. He’s very white. Like, incredibly white. It’s hard to make out his features because everything is so white.
BUCK
This is Captain Buck Neutronium, USSSS. State your origin and intent.
REINCE
Greetings, Captain Neutronium. My name is Reince Priebus, of the Jopey System. And my intent? Simply the homogenization of the entire galaxy!
BUCK
Reince Priebus? That’s a name? Really?
REINCE
It’s a very common name on my planet, yes. Why?
BUCK
Nothing, nothing, it just sounds made up.
REINCE
It’s very real. As real as my intent to absorb your star system and erase all signs of uniqueness and individuality!
BUCK
We’ll never allow it, Prius!
REINCE
Priebus.
BUCK
I know. But Prius actually sounds like something. Don’t you prefer that?
REINCE
You dare question me? Need I demonstrate my powers?
BUCK
Do your worst!
QUARG
Don’t tempt him, captain!
BUCK
I know what I’m doing, Quarg.
REINCE
Behold the latest victims of my power!
Two people enter the shot with Reince Priebus. They look just like him, men in their 40s, incredibly, powerfully white. And boring.
REINCE (cont’d)
These were once two beautiful humans, full of dreams and thoughts, patrolling the outer rim of your sector. Now, they serve the Jopians!
BUCK
How dare you!
REINCE
And soon all humans will look the same! Unless...
BUCK
Unless what?
REINCE
Ours is a system low on resources. The treasured individuality of the human race may be spared if we Jopians are allowed to draw from your homeworld some things we need. Petroleum, perhaps.
BUCK
We are not in the business of negotiating with terrorists.
REINCE
Then so be it, captain. Prepare for your doom at the hands of the race of Jopians.
BUCK
If I may, quickly, you look an awful lot like us. Very white, of course, but quite humanoid. Am I missing something?
REINCE
There are whispers of myths among my kind that we are a race split from humans thousands of years ago. But if this is true, then we have returned home as prodigal conquerors.
BUCK
Very well then. Lilandra, my love, I can die happy if I die with you.
LILANDRA
As I am a robot, I do not believe I will be dying any time soon.
REINCE
Wait, a robot? You’re in love with a robot?
BUCK
Yeah, do you have a problem with that?
REINCE
But...but...forbidden love...interspecies...nonhuman...this is the slippery slope my ancestors spoke of. We dare not taint our race with such foulness!
BUCK
Hey, watch it! You go on two-year tours of interstellar space with nothing but a warty alien and a lady robot and see who you pick!
REINCE
We must flee at once before we catch this vileness. Your depravity has saved you, Neutronium!
The transmission cuts out.
BUCK
Well. Looks like Captain Neutronium has saved the day once again.
QUARG
I don’t know if that one really counts...
BUCK
Silence! Lilandra, surely you see how powerful a love I have, if I’ve driven off such a terrible force as that with my feelings for you.
QUARG
She’s not even built for the sort of thing you’re talking about!
BUCK
I can make modifications, Quarg! I’ve got nothing but time!
END
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