National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #30

Previous Sketches

Voter ID Laws

by Colin Fisher

INT. POLLING STATION

CAL walks up to a desk manned by an elderly POLL WORKER.  Cal is a white man in his 20s.

CAL

Hi, I’m here to vote.

WORKER

Photo ID please.

CAL

Sure.

He hands it to her.

WORKER

OK Mr. Flynn, I’ve got you right here.  Are you still at 238 Main?

CAL

Yes ma’am.

WORKER

Alrighty.  I have a few more questions here, just routine stuff for the new voter ID laws.

CAL

Oh, OK.

She begins reading from a form on a clipboard.

WORKER

Have you been convicted of a felony since you received your registration?

CAL

No.

WORKER

Have you had any felonious thoughts?

CAL

Thoughts?  Uh, what constitutes a felony again?

WORKER

Oh, you know, murder, theft, arson, battery, rape.  

CAL

And you’re asking if I’ve thought about any of those things?

WORKER

Sure.

CAL

Well, I haven’t made plans to do any of them.  

WORKER

But you have thought about them?

CAL

Well I’m thinking about them right now, because we’re talking about it, but--

WORKER

Ah, I see.

She makes a little mark on the clipboard.

CAL

Wait, what was that mark?

WORKER

Oh, don’t worry, we’ll evaluate all this when we’re done.  Are you black?

CAL

Huh?

WORKER

Are you a black person?  Oh, excuse me, African American?

Cal just looks at her like “seriously?”

WORKER (cont’d)

I’m legally required to ask all of these.

CAL

No.  No I am not black.

WORKER

Have you met any black people recently?

CAL

Not personally, no.

WORKER

Have you seen any?

CAL

Ever?

WORKER

Let’s say within the last four months.

CAL

Yeah.  I have.

WORKER

Huh.

She makes another mark, shakes her head a little.

CAL

Is this legal?  I feel like if I’m registered I’m just supposed to walk in and vote.

WORKER

Considering that our state assembly just passed the laws that say I have to do this, then yes, I think this is legal.  Are you poor?

CAL

Is that a question on the form or are you insulting me?

WORKER

It’s on the form.

CAL

What do they mean by “poor?”

WORKER

I think it’s one of those you-know-it-when-you-see-it things.

CAL

Then no, I’m not poor.

WORKER

Ah.

She nods approvingly, makes her mark.

WORKER

And are you a woman?

CAL

No.

WORKER

Have you ever been a woman?

CAL

No.

WORKER

Will you ever be a woman?

CAL

Probably not.

WORKER

Hmm.

Makes her mark.  

WORKER

Almost there.  Are you going to vote for Mitt Romney?

CAL

That’s none of your business.

WORKER

OK, I have a subset of questions for that answer.  Have you been watching the news in the last few months?

CAL

Yes.

WORKER

Did you see the Republican National Convention?

CAL

Yep.

WORKER

Do you watch any comedy at all on television?

CAL

Mostly, yeah.

WORKER

Do you have any degrees?

CAL

Yes.

WORKER

Alrighty, thanks for your answers.  Let’s see here...

She does some figuring.

WORKER

OK Mr. Flynn.  We won’t be needing your vote this year, but please try again in four years.  Have a nice day.

CAL

Right.

He turns and leaves.  Newspaper spins in with the headline “ROMNEY STILL MANAGES TO LOSE.”

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #29

Previous Sketches

But I’m Training for a Marathon

by Colin Fisher

INT. LIVING ROOM

ALI is sitting on the couch watching TV.  She’s eating a small bowl of popcorn and talking to COLE, who is in the kitchen.  

ALI

So I told my boss that if he really needed me to, I could type up his kids’ homework, but probably they should learn how to do that.

Cole comes in with a ridiculously large bowl of his own popcorn.

COLE

Totally, these people are so entitled.

ALI

Are you seriously about to eat that whole thing?

COLE

Yeah, I’m training for the marathon.  I need the energy.

ALI

If you say so.  How far are you running tomorrow?

COLE

Eighteen miles.

ALI

Good god that’s unnatural.

Cole pulls out a bottle of caramel sauce and starts pouring it all over the popcorn.  He keeps pouring.  He empties the bottle.  Ali just stares.

COLE

I’m sorry, did you want some?

ALI

Are you sure you can have that much sugar?

COLE

Totally!  I’m going to end up burning over 2000 calories tomorrow.  I don’t want to hit the wall like halfway through.  Oh, I forgot something, hang on.

He walks back into the kitchen to get something.  Ali sneaks a little popcorn with the caramel sauce.  Cole comes back in with a plate piled with bacon.  He starts breaking up the bacon and sprinkling it over the popcorn.

ALI

Oh my god, you’re going to kill yourself!

COLE

No way, my heart’s pumping way too efficiently to let this clog up my system.  I need the protein, and actually I need the salt too from all the sweating I’ll be doing.  Seriously, I read about this online.

ALI

Couldn’t you eat some chicken and whole grains or something like that instead?  This just seems excessive.

COLE

Look, I love food and I love running, and this is the best way to combine the two.  It’s only for the training period.  I’ll go back to normal after I run the race.

ALI

If you say so.

COLE

And now for the garnish...

He pulls a vial out of his pocket and sprinkles white powder over the bowl.

ALI

What is that, like powdered sugar?

COLE

Oh, this?  No, it’s cocaine.

Cole stuffs a handful of this mess into his mouth.

ALI

What?!  What are you doing to yourself?!

COLE

Lay off me!  I need the energy!

Freeze frame on Cole.  Text crawls up the screen, which Ali narrates:

ALI (v.o.)

Cole had the energy all right.  By the time the marathon came, he weight 265 pounds.  He started off sprinting at a pace of a five-minute mile.  His heart exploded on the third mile.  He made it another half-mile before he dropped dead.  He was an idiot.

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #28

Previous Sketches

Planning the NYC Subway

by Colin Fisher

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE, 1902

The MAYOR sits at his desk, writing.  A knock at the door.  

MAYOR

Yes, come in please.

RICHARD and CHARLES, the two engineers responsible for planning the city’s subway, come in with some rolled-up maps and a file on the plan.

MAYOR

Ah, just the men I was hoping to see!  Come, have a seat.  Show me the plans for this underground train system, or sub-way, that you claim will revolutionize how New York’s citizens traverse her boroughs.

RICHARD

Your honor, as you look over these plans, you may see things that seem strange at first.  

CHARLES

But trust us when we tell you that we have planned this system not for tomorrow, but for the long-term.  So that in the decades and centuries to come, the residents of the finest city on Earth will need to make almost no adjustments to their public transit.

MAYOR

Well, that all sounds very impressive.  Let’s have a look.

He starts looking at diagrams and plans.  

MAYOR

I believe I’ve already found a problem.  This system will be entirely underground, but I see you’ve made no allowances for any sort of drainage or run-off in a rain storm.  What will happen should a downpour erupt?

RICHARD

Your honor, believe me when I say we’ve taken this into account.  Our friends at the National Geographic Society assure us that scientists will have control over that pesky rain problem in a matter of just a few years.  

CHARLES

Sunny skies for the rest of eternity!  So we felt that instead of addressing a problem that will be rendered moot before construction is even finished, we should focus on other problems.

MAYOR

If you say so.  It seems that an underground system based on electricity would become an absolute quagmire in the slightest of storms without proper care.

CHARLES

Oh, if it were to rain on this system it would shut down completely.  But rest assured that will never happen.

MAYOR

Speaking of electricity, these trains will be running on high voltage tracks, yes?

RICHARD

Indeed, sir.

MAYOR

And yet on the platforms I see no rails or guards against the public falling to the tracks, risking electrocution.  Not to mention the danger of rushing trains.  That would seem to welcome those who are down on their luck to end it all.

CHARLES

My brother is a sociologist at Columbia, sir.  He assures me that based on current trends, we will soon have completely eliminated suicide from our society.  In addition, we shall all have such outstanding spatial awareness that we will never stand too close to one another, nor fail to notice our proximity to danger because our face is buried in some glowing futuristic device.  Will not happen.

MAYOR

You’re asking me to take quite a lot of things on faith, gentlemen.

RICHARD

Faith sir?  Or SCIENCE?

MAYOR

Well see here, no science can indicate why you’ve omitted separate entrances for travelers of color.

CHARLES

Your honor, surely you don’t think our progeny will tolerate the presence of minorities in their society?

MAYOR

Good point.  What are these small rooms in every train car?

RICHARD

Ah, yes, the lady compartments.  

CHARLES

Eventually, our society will come to realize that women only serve to cloud the minds of men with their hysterical womb-brains.

RICHARD

But of course, we’ll still need them to travel through the city to make our clothes and serve our food.

CHARLES

So, we’ll install these lady compartments in every car.  The walls are lined with uranium to block the poisonous womb waves.  Women can travel, and men can focus on bettering the world.

MAYOR

Sounds perfectly reasonable.  You’ve won me over gentlemen, I see no way that this plan could go wrong.  Would you like some celebratory cocaine?

RICHARD

Indubitably!

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #27

Previous Sketches

Monthly Meeting of the Rent is Too Damn High Party

by Colin Fisher

INT. CHURCH BASEMENT

JIMMY MCMILLAN stands at a podium in front of a scattered, mismatched group of people.  He bangs a hammer on the podium.

JIMMY

I hereby call to order the monthly meeting of the Rent is Too Damn High party.  And I want to thank you all for your continued allegiance.  It’s been a while since we came together, and I know everyone dismissed us as a one-election party, but it looks like we’re here to stay.  OK.  Let’s get to it.  Is the delegate from Harlem present?

A middle-aged black woman who looks about as eccentric as Jimmy stands up.

HARLEM DELEGATE

Present, Jimmy.

JIMMY

And what do you have to report from your district?

HARLEM DELEGATE

Jimmy, the rent in Harlem is still too damn high.

Jimmy slaps the podium in frustration.

JIMMY

Damn!  And what are you doing to change it?

HARLEM DELEGATE

Well Jimmy, I went around and I asked all the landlords if they wouldn’t think about lowering the rent since it’s too damn high.

JIMMY

Excellent!  Grassroots!  And what did they do?

HARLEM DELEGATE

They raised the rent Jimmy.

JIMMY

Foiled again!  Is the delegate from Chelsea present?

A young white man stands up.

CHELSEA DELEGATE

Here, Jimmy.

JIMMY

How are conditions in Chelsea?

CHELSEA DELEGATE

Very damn high, Jimmy.

JIMMY

We know that, man!  Rent is high everywhere in the five boroughs!  That’s a given!  But the question is, is it too damn high?

CHELSEA DELEGATE

Yes it is.

JIMMY

It’s these sorts of distinctions that really set us apart, people.  And what actions are you taking in Chelsea to turn the tide for the people?

CHELSEA DELEGATE

Well, I got a group together in front of that new high rise on the west side, and we marched in a circle in front of it chanting that the rent was too damn high.

JIMMY

Fantastic!  Community involvement!  And what happened?

CHELSEA DELEGATE

They raised the rent.

JIMMY

Drat!  Even though you clearly told them it’s too damn high?

CHELSEA DELEGATE

They really didn’t seem too concerned.

JIMMY

I am at a loss here, my good people.  Our message is simple, and it’s universal, and it’s falling on deaf ears.  I’m open to any suggestions.

A YOUNG LADY we haven’t heard from yet stands up.

YOUNG LADY

Mr. McMillan?

JIMMY

Yes young lady?

YOUNG LADY

Do you think maybe we’re limiting ourselves?  I mean, if you look at the big guys, they have all kinds of views on all these different issues.  We’re really just focused on the one thing, and maybe that’s not healthy.

JIMMY

Of course we’re focused on one thing.  It’s right there in the name.  And I won’t rest until the rent is no longer too damn high!

YOUNG LADY

But I think people don’t take us seriously, and I think since all our eggs are in that one basket it’s really easy to get discouraged, you know?  Maybe we should diversify, try something else for a while.  And who knows, maybe we’ll come back to the rent issue afterwards and something will jump out that we never thought about.

JIMMY

What would you have us try out?

YOUNG LADY

I don’t know, there’s all sorts of things.  We could work on clean energy, or better transportation, or creating jobs.  Anything, really.

JIMMY

And you don’t see the challenge in trying to convince people to listen to the energy plan of something called the Rent is Too Damn High Party?  No, no, we’ve made this bed and we are sleeping right in it.  

YOUNG LADY

I think maybe that’s part of the problem too.  Maybe we should think about a name that’s a little more...universal.  The Economic Fairness Party, or the People’s Party, or something like that.

JIMMY

OK.  OK.  How about the People’s Economic Fairness Because the Rent is Too Damn High Party?

YOUNG LADY

It seems a little bulky?  Maybe think about getting away from the “rent is too damn high” part altogether.  Maybe don’t swear in the name of your party too.  I’m just saying, we want to include as many people as possible, right?

JIMMY

You are turning my world on its ear lady.  My entire identity has been built around swearing because the rent is too high.  If you take that away from me I’m not sure I’ll know who I am any more.

YOUNG LADY

Mr. McMillan, I think you sell yourself short.  I think when you feel lost like that, all you’ll need to do is look in a mirror, and admire those sweet muttonchops, and remember where you came from.  Remember that you’re the man who ran for governor of the greatest state in the union, and you’re the man who sat on stage with Andrew Cuomo and said you’d marry someone to a shoe if they wanted it.  Remember you’re a champion of both karate and men.  And I think you’ll know just who you are.

JIMMY

Young lady, you have inspired me.  What’s your name?

YOUNG LADY

Jane, sir.

JIMMY

And how are conditions in your district, Jane?

YOUNG LADY

Well, the rent is too damn high.

Jimmy hangs his head.

END

National Sketch Writing Month #26

Previous Sketches

Moses & the Ten Commandments

by Colin Fisher

EXT. MOUNT SINAI

MOSES has been on the mountain getting the commandments from God.  He’s coming down a path with the two tablets in his arms.  He turns a corner and sees his people worshipping the golden calf, led by AARON.

MOSES

Yo!  What the hell guys?

Aaron jumps up and shushes at the Israelites, gesturing for them to cut it out.

AARON

Hey brother!  Good to see you again!

MOSES

Did you do this?

AARON

Well, sort of.  I mean, we all got pretty antsy, and we’re so used to worshipping stuff we just wanted to get our fix, you know?  You were gone for a while, man.

MOSES

Forty days, but we’ve been on the move way longer than that.  And I was up there talking to God.  GOD.  Remember him?  Creator of the universe?  The guy who totally screwed the pharaoh, and has actually been with us IN PHYSICAL FORM EVER SINCE?

ISRAELITE 1

Yeah, he’s great, but he’s been gone too and we weren’t sure if we’d see him again.

MOSES

Who cares if you never see him again?!  That doesn’t change the fact that he’s responsible for everything you see around you!  

ISRAELITE 2

Yeah, but, this is a golden calf.  It’s pretty.

MOSES

Are you serious with this stuff?!  It’s just gold!  It’s a big pile of gold that you shaped into something!  I’m talking about an actual, living god that you’ve seen with your own eyes.  

ISRAELITE 1

But, he’s not here right now.  

MOSES

I don’t know how I can make this any clearer to you people.  He just now told me ten rules, and this is literally one of the ten things we have to follow and you broke it.

AARON

Guys, he’s right.  You’re right bro.  We’re sorry.  It won’t happen again.  

MOSES

Thank you.  I appreciate that.  I’m sorry if I lost it.  It’s just he told me all this stuff we have to build and I’m carrying all these numbers in my head--

AARON

OK, slow down Moe, I wasn’t finished.  It won’t happen again, but we were just about to wrap up here so let me finish these prayers to this beautiful golden calf and we’ll get started on that little project.

Moses just looks at him for a second.

MOSES

Screw you guys.

He tosses the tablets down and they crack in two.  He sulks off.  Aaron looks at the rest of the Israelites.  Group shrug, then they go back to worshipping the calf.

END