Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Joaquin is Wack Yo

In an astounding display of business acumen, Oscar-nominated (twice) actor Joaquin Phoenix recently retired from his craft of twenty years to pursue a career in music. This weekend he gave everyone a taste of his talent in Vegas. Based on his abilities that he displayed in Walk the Line, combined with his hippie upbringing and family's penchant for rock & roll, I expected something with guitars that focused on vocals. The vocals part was right; the genre, wrong. He rapped. Apparently pretty badly. One can only hope he was at least wearing a costume from Gladiator. On some other plane, Johnny Cash is in a drunken rage. For a bizarre little topper, his brother-in-law Casey Affleck was there to film it. In light of this event, I thought I'd look at some other misguided second careers from history.
  • Tired of the high-pressure world of having a shit-ton of money, Steve Forbes took a break and a chunk of his own wealth to finance and star in his own spy thriller. Unfortunately, no one would distribute it due to the graphic violence and Forbes' near-constant nudity.
  • Convinced his immense knowledge of physics could help him master golf, Stephen Hawking tried competing in the PGA. However, the board deemed that the robotic attachments he added to his chair in order to play were in fact completely illegal.
  • Richard Simmons felt his bubbling personality and can-do spirit were just the thing to help reform hardened criminals. He entered Riker's Island on September 15, 2007, and was never heard from again.
  • Shaquille O'Neal, knowing his body couldn't last much longer in the NBA, decided to slow things down and teach kindergarten. On his first day, confused by all the words and numbers surrounding him, he went into a berserker rage and began slam-dunking children into trash cans.
  • Failed oil man and failed baseball club owner George Walker Bush thought it might be a good idea to give politics a shot.
That's my rhyme. I'm out y'all.

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  1. Don't you think they might be lying about all of this? I thought for a second that they might be making their own Borat movie or something, and Joaquin is Borat. At least I hope that is what's going on because it appears that one of my favorite actors has just completely lost his fucking mind.

  2. I'm kinda thinking that one of our favorite actors has lost his fucking mind.