Microsoft Pulls Out of Seth McFarlane Variety Special; Avoids Awkward Morning After

In a continuing trend of almost being cool, like your goofy uncle, Microsoft has pulled its sponsorship of "Family Guy" creator Seth McFarlane's upcoming "Almost Live Comedy Show" on Fox. Here's the statement:

We initially chose to participate in the Seth and Alex variety show based on the audience composition and creative humor of 'Family Guy,' but after reviewing an early version of the variety show it became clear that the content was not a fit with the Windows brand.

So going by this statement, they have actually watched "Family Guy." Meaning they watched Stewie knowingly eat horse semen, anchor Tom Tucker refer to an Arab kid as having a "September 11-thy" name, and oh so many anti-Semitic jokes. So what could they have possibly seen in this new comedy show that made them balk? I can only assume McFarlane makes a Jew and a Palestinian fight to submission, and the loser watches the winner eat his baby. Oh, and they're all pooping. Then after the intro, the Olsen twins take part in a re-enactment of Bob Saget's version of The Aristocrats.

Or wait, maybe they haven't seen the show. Let's decode the beginning of the statement. Microsoft chose to sponsor the program "based on the audience composition and creative humor of 'Family Guy.'" So some guys in Redmond were sitting around in polos, khakis, and besocked sandaled feet.

"Hey, someone told me this 'Family Man' cartoon is killing in men aged 18-34. We need those numbers. And apparently it's edgy too. That's a good thing, right?"
"Wait, is it edgy like those fun dancing iPod ads, or is it edgy like 'According to Jim?' We don't need another debacle like that on our hands."
"Oh, I think it's much more like the iPod ads. Y'know, everyone's having fun, and then whoa, here comes Phil with a lampshade on his head!"
"Come on Gary, it was only once. You know how those hard lemonades hit me."
"They're showing a cartoon in primetime?"
"Let's do it. This could be the foothold we need for the Zune."

And so on. Thus did Microsoft earn the slogan: "Microsoft. Like Apple. But for pussies."

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Classin It Up with David Spade

You've seen the DirecTV campaign, right? Where they pay actors what must be an exorbitant amount to re-enact scenes from their movies while plugging satellite TV? I was surprised when they got Sigourney Weaver to do a scene from Aliens. I was REALLY surprised when they got Naomi Watts to do King Kong. I was a little creeped out when they used footage from Poltergeist with the little girl who is very much dead. Now I'm creeped out, sad, and pissed off that they're not only using Chris Farley from Tommy Boy, they managed to figure out the cost of David Spade's soul and bid $1 higher than that.

I don't know Spade. I don't know that he was bestest buddies with Farley like everyone assumes. Did Farley's estate get a nice check for this? Sure. Did Spade donate his salary to a charity, ideally one that helps out addicts? Maybe. Is there only one way to really interpret this commercial? Absolutely. David Spade is making money off his tragically dead friend. To sell TV service. And here I am trying to find something witty and scathing to write about it, but mostly it just speaks for itself.

Stay classy Spade. Enjoy that beach house.

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Movies of Novels of TV Shows of Life

Gnarly DUI chick and confusingly famous sister to a worthless pile of meat and bone, Stephanie Pratt, has said she'd like Ashley Tisdale to play her in the film version of the book version of the TV version of Lauren Conrad's life. It's fine. My head's melting trying to comprehend this too.

Ah, the merging of High School Musical and "The Hills." This combination literally could not be more inane. So naturally I have to spend dozens of minutes of my day picking it apart.

What intrigues me most is how distorted this telephone game of Conrad's life must eventually be. I can only imagine, in its various iterations, that her life will go from the story of a listless, passive SoCal girl trying to justify her existence to that of a fierce Dark Ages valkyrie slaying all those that stand in the way of avenging her family's death. Which, BTW, I'd totally pay $12 to see. And I think Vanessa Hudgens would do wonders for the role.

More power to Conrad for milking this phenomenon bone dry, I suppose. She's been paid lots of money to be on TV and has a novel under her name. I write blogs while temping, and I've just now made enough to see that valkyrie movie. Which is why I feel so awesome about myself. All the time.

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News Roundup

Police in Colorado think the Balloon Boy hoax may have been a collaboration between the Heene family and a media outlet for a reality show. In a related story, I think I can finally explain Sarah Palin's campaign.

Vic Mizzy, the composer of "The Addams Family" theme, died this week at 93. When asked to comment, Morticia Addams said "Ooh, was he tortured to death? Lucky dog. What? Heart failure? Oh, that's not sexy." Gomez Addams showed little sympathy. "He called us 'ooky' in an internationally recognized song. Libeling bastard."

A Cleveland museum has discovered that an exhibit of a hair from Amelia Earhart is really just thread. So it looks like the new Earhart biopic starring Hillary Swank will be re-shot with Raggedy Ann.

A driver in Switzerland was pulled over Monday for 15 traffic violations in 11 minutes. My question is, who let Helen Keller's dead body behind the wheel, and how did she end up in Switzerland?

Amy Winehouse's father has said that England is wasting money by sending convicted addicts to rehab instead of prison, and that money should be spent on non-offending drug addicts. In a related story, Amy Winehouse's dad failed spectacularly at raising his daughter.

The Obama administration has said Fox News Channel is "not really news." They went on to say such bold statements as "Five primetime hours of Leno is a huge mistake," "America, ease up on the deep frying," and "Reality entertainment is neither real nor entertainment."

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