Justin Bieber: The Doogie Howser of Vacant Pop

So maybe you've heard of Justin Bieber. He's a 15-year old Canadian kid who has a record coming out after being discovered by his YouTube videos. Which is great, because I've really been banging my head against the wall trying to figure out a way to get more teens and tweens to flood YouTube with garbage.

Naturally, he's the wholesome adorable type you'd find on Disney shows, Hot Pocket commercials, and bait for police stings. And sure, the kid can sing. Apparently he taught himself some instruments too. More power to him. So why is it that his existence irks me so much? "Colin," you shriek at your computer through Swiss Cake Roll bits, "you're just jealous of the moppet because with a few years' work, he's more famous and successful than you may ever be!"

First of all, swallow your food before you talk and please put some pants on. Second of all, Little Debbie before noon? Thirdly of all, no shit Sherlock. Of course jealousy's the bulk of it. But there's something else at play here. Let's take a look at some lyrics from "One Time," Bieber's first single off his album My World. It opens with:

Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time
Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time
Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time
One time, one time

Well that's just terrible. He says he's going to tell the object of the song one time, then says that three times. And you may note by his picture up top that this is the last kid who should be saying "I'ma." He's Canadian, for god's sake. So then he goes on to sing about loving this girl and making time for her and she's #1, yada yada. Here's a later verse:

You look so deep, you know that it humbles me
You're by my side, them troubles them not trouble me
Many have called but the chosen is you
Whatever you want shawty I'll give it to you

Ugh. I guess I'll start with the first line. "You look so deep." Not "You ARE so deep." So this girl clearly wears glasses. Maybe she's carrying an unopened Nietzsche. I don't know. But her very appearance of deepness humbles little Bieber. Which is essentially an admission of complete idiocy and shallowness. Then he goes to a line ending with "them troubles them not trouble me." One is reminded of another caucasian Canadian. Snow. Who was also a fan of Jamaican syntax. A mistake for both of these guys. "Many have called but the chosen is you." WTF? Is that Engrish? Am I playing a bad Sega game from 1992? Then "shawty." OK. This kid's idea of urban is probably the mall in Winnipeg. I'm beginning to think maybe he didn't write this song. Let's see, writing credits go to...no less than four people, none of whom seem to be Justin Bieber. Funny. You'd think the more people contribute to something, the better it'd be right? Hold that thought.

He goes on dropping "shawty's" and "I'ma's," declaring his love for this girl, repeatedly telling her, over and over, that he's going to tell her one time. End of song.

So I got it. In addition to rage-inducing jealousy, I know why I can't stand this kid. Could it really be any more transparent now that pop music is one big marionette show? What does this boy contribute other than a singing voice and a face? Aren't there computer programs that can do all that now? He's 15. If he wrote what he knew, he'd be writing about awkwardness, video games, and newfound body odors. Nobody wants that. So congratulations, puppet! You won the fame lottery! Pay my fucking student loans!

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