Friday, November 13, 2009

Carrie Prejean: Plug it up! Plug it up!

Get it? Like in the movie Carrie? Because they have the same name. But instead of her menstruating vagina, I'm talking about Carrie Prejean's mouth. See, it works on a couple levels. Because I don't like what comes out of either thing.

I'd planned on writing about Prejean's autobiography, Still Standing, and how goddamned ridiculous it is that a)she's pretending she can write, and b)she thinks she's important enough to tell her harrowing, gut-wrenching story. You know, the one where the privileged beautiful blonde-ish woman living in a first-world state in a first-world country wins contests with her beauty, has artificial body parts installed by said competitions, gets laughed at for denouncing an entire segment of the population instead of being jailed or assaulted, makes money off that statement, then thinks it's amazing that she hasn't completely given up on life after such a terrible, grueling ordeal. Worthy achievements indeed. And according to, she manages to fill 256 pages with the one newsworthy incident she's been involved in. Oh, and I guess part of that is taken up by Sean Hannity's fucking foreword. Douchewad.

So my plan was writing about her after finding out about her coloring book "autobiography," but she just wouldn't stop being crazy this week. After a surprisingly logical series of questions from Larry King on his show, about her motivations for mediating and settling the pageant ordeal (not the confidential details of the settlement itself), Prejean, in another studio, told him he was being inappropriate. He quite reasonably told her he wasn't asking for any confidential info, just her motivation, and eventually changed the subject by taking a call. She decided she'd had enough and took off her mic. He asked if she could hear him, to which she said "No, I can't hear you" (WTF), then threatened to leave and sat perfectly still. Congratulations, Miss Prejean. You managed to look batshit next to LARRY KING.

A word on pageants: who still buys into this? The only time it ever matters is when a winner/runner-up/whatever goes off the rails. Name me a pageant winner, and I'm guessing she's a woman who took naked photos or fell down or is now a man. The whole thing just started as a way to get beautiful, vapid girls to go to college with scholarships instead of marrying money and squirting out babies, but now that college is the new high school are pageants really necessary?

I'm not even going to get political here in terms of how wrong she was when this whole snowball started. If you're reading this, you agree with me and I don't need to convince you. I do want to point out, though, that I can't really understand her martyr complex when she's part of an overwhelming and vocal majority. Gay marriage is in no way legal in this country. Every state that passes it then immediately has it overturned in a referendum. And she keeps claiming her First Amendment rights are getting trampled on, because people keep exercising their First Amendment rights by telling her to shut up. She wasn't imprisoned for what she said. She wasn't fined. She wasn't sent to a labor camp. She got yelled at. That's part of the deal, babe. The First Amendment doesn't say no one can respond to you when you say goddamned ridiculous things. It says the government can't stop you from saying goddamned riciculous things. And it didn't. You said goddamned ridiculous things on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Then you got fired for breach of contract. So simple.

BTW, you said you base your stance on homosexuality on the Bible. I'm guessing you mean Old Testament, Leviticus, since Jesus never said anything definitive about the issue. So you're Jewish then. OK. Was your evening wear made out of two different fabrics? Sorry, we need to shun you from the community. Ever work on a Sunday? Stand still, so we may stone you to death.

And now this sex tape thing. It just keeps coming (thatswhatshesaid). I guess it's no surprise that the girl who likes to hear herself talk so much also likes to touch herself, right? How many of the ordeals she's gone through have been of her own doing? Honestly I can't blame her for speaking her own mind in the pageant, instead of saying the answer that she knew would probably get her the win. But that doesn't mean you can't expect backlash from the LOSING MINORITY. But pageant chicks don't start at 20. It's a lifelong thing. So maybe think twice if you're going to take mostly naked photos, or email a video of yourself masturbating to your boyfriend. Also, don't ever take a video of yourself masturbating. Only bad things come from that. Trust me.

I can't help but draw parallels between her and Sarah Palin. Nobody likes them, they keep getting in front of cameras, and they both show flashes of an absolute psychopath when they get going. Seriously, that's not a joke. Watch their faces. Palin kept snarling in her big convention speech. Prejean does this thing where her eyes flash wide and she shows all her teeth. Scary. I can find very little evidence that famous conservative women are sane. Barbara Bush, maybe? She's still got grit; I want to see her in the octagon against these two.

So here's to not going gently into that good night of obscurity. Palin/Prejean 2012, bitches!

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