First of all, I'm sorry. You're either blissfully unaware of this song's existence, or it's already rattling around in your brain. Either way, I'm about to put it there because there's no way you can't watch this video:
You may notice I've avoided flavor-of-the-week pop culture stories for a while here, but good god how could I not address this? It's the forerunner of a sonic invasion by Ark Music Factory, which has received notice from media outlets as highfalutin' as Salon.com. From what I can tell, there are about fifteen differently-shaded copies of Rebecca Black waiting behind her for their big ironic break. Ark has cornered the tween music market using the same approach as SyFy original movies: make a product as quickly and cheaply as possible, a faint copy of its better-made peers, and just market the hell out of the thing. Profit margins people, profit margins. These guys have already made their money back from YouTube views alone. As of now, it's at 7.8 million. According to Entertainment Weekly, this morning it was 5 million. To give you a little perspective and make you hate the world more, The Cure's "Friday I'm in Love" has 200,000 less views. By the time you read this that number will probably have grown by 2 million.
So clearly it's a terrible song. I mean just awful. In malls across America, "talent scouts" are scamming eager, morally ambivalent parents by telling them their kid has a great look and would you mind working with us for $500. If you were to actually go along with that, you'd end up with a better result than this song and video. But you're smart folks. I don't need to explain why it's bad.
And dear mechanical little Rebecca. Yes, she's right out of a Philip K. Dick story. Yes, there was more life in the empty eye sockets of that rotting deer I found in the woods one time. But this isn't about her. She seems like a perfectly decent kid. Most girls her age shouldn't be pop stars. That's fine. I probably wouldn't look any better doing that. Which is why I'm not.
The main defendants in the impending trial for crimes against humanity will be Ark Music Factory and Mr. and Mrs. Black. Assuming of course Rebecca wasn't spawned in a Matrix pod, or the bowels of the Master Mold like all the other Sentinels (mutants, avoid her just in case). While they should of course be punished for their sociopathic lack of empathy for their fellow man, I'm glad this is happening. In so fully embodying everything that is foul and soulless about pop music today, they've brought its death that much closer. In paying attention to this, people will start seeing Britney and Katy Perry trying to coast by on the same bullshit, spending far more money, and they'll lose interest. The world will become a better place. I just have to figure out which seat I'll take in my friend's car. Front or back? Better make up my mind. It's Friday. Tomorrow's Saturday. Party.
Now, how do we defend stand-up comedy from the same assault?