Snooki to go elsewhere for dropping balls on NYE

My 11th grade English teacher was Mrs. Harris. Hands down one of the worst teachers I've ever had. My degree of displeasure with her was measured by the amount I was willing to pay to kick her in the head with no consequences. I believe I got up to $400.

I'm an adult now. I get paychecks (occasionally). The anger over nine months of my teenage life wasted by Mrs. Harris has cooled. I would now gladly pay up to $1000 to deliver a swift roundhouse kick upside Ms. Snooki, though someone beat me to the punch (HAAAAAA).

So it is with great relief that I learn she will not in fact be a key component of the century-old New Year's Eve tradition in Times Square. You may know I'm not a religious man, but this news has made me think better of our state of being in the universe and our ultimate destination.