Snooki to go elsewhere for dropping balls on NYE

My 11th grade English teacher was Mrs. Harris. Hands down one of the worst teachers I've ever had. My degree of displeasure with her was measured by the amount I was willing to pay to kick her in the head with no consequences. I believe I got up to $400.

I'm an adult now. I get paychecks (occasionally). The anger over nine months of my teenage life wasted by Mrs. Harris has cooled. I would now gladly pay up to $1000 to deliver a swift roundhouse kick upside Ms. Snooki, though someone beat me to the punch (HAAAAAA).

So it is with great relief that I learn she will not in fact be a key component of the century-old New Year's Eve tradition in Times Square. You may know I'm not a religious man, but this news has made me think better of our state of being in the universe and our ultimate destination.

More Oscar Tomfoolery

And certainly not the last.

(PS I'm working hard to be the top Google match when someone searches "tomfoolery.")

Entertainment Weekly has an article up entitled Natalie Portman: Does pregnancy help her Oscar chances? In EW's defense, the first line is "Yes, I know, it’s kind of a ridiculous question." And it's not their fault that the environment surrounding these awards is so absurd that they can actually give this consideration. But they certainly don't have to report it.

In an examination of past nominees that betrays a complete ignorance of the rule "correlation does not imply causation," they figure it's pretty much a wash.

Know what should help her chances? The performances of her and the other nominees. Know what will? How many voters see the movie. How many of those voters are under 80. How many of those voters her agent stepped on at some point. How much money the producers spend on a campaign. Whether the voters should've eaten before watching the movie. The weather.

Tomfoolery.

Awards Season

Everything can't be about animation and blowing up. There needs to be a place that talks about life in a real way--Halle Berry, on being nominated for her film Frankie and Alice

This is the first of at least a few posts about how much I hate movie awards. They'd be silly enough if they were only about which movie or performance was better than the others, but when you add in a dash of politics and pretension, well, *headexplode*.

Halle Berry is nominated for Best Actress in a Drama for her performance as a woman with multiple personality disorder in the film Frankie and Alice. Its plot, according to IMDb: "A drama centered on a young woman with multiple personality disorder who struggles to remain her true self and not give in to her racist alter-personality." Jesus Christ. This is one casting decision away from a Martin Lawrence comedy. See, it's crazy, because she's black but sometimes she thinks she's a racist white person!

So Catwoman is saying that since her film examines "real" life, it's deserving of awards, as opposed to, say, Transformers 2 or Avatar. I have a theory that multiple personality disorder is a completely fictional disease invented for actresses to win awards. Real life? How many people do you know who have this? Have you ever met one person? Is this really any more real than alien invasions? Does it deserve more examination? Based on the Wikipedia article, you could MAYBE make an argument that up to 5% of the US population suffers from MPD. You'd be wrong, but it would be worth a try. A little research indicates that up to 14% of Americans have had some sort of UFO sighting. So really, if you want to talk about "real" life, you'd be better off making a movie about aliens than multiple personalities.

And why can't Hollywood get racism right? Crash? Are you kidding me? "Let's examine racism by showing black guys getting arrested and white women clutching their purses tightly on an elevator." Great. Searing look into the psyche of America. And a best picture winner. So another effort is a movie about a black woman who sometimes thinks she's a racist white person? Wait, that IS a fucking Chapelle Show sketch!

I think the mental patient trope has worn out its welcome pretty solidly by now (The Soloist, anyone?). We get it. If full-retards can overcome their trouble and be happy, then so can we. It's Oscar bait, and I've been hooked by that rubber worm too many times to bite it again.