Monday, May 17, 2010

YouTube Child Sensations! Sunday Sunday Sunday!

I've touched on my disdain for child prodigies before (but let the court record show I've never touched a child prodigy). Like it has everything else, the web has made their ability to annoy much faster and simpler. And though I love her, Ellen's not making it any better, with her revolving door of moppets called "The Wonderful Web of Wonderment."

"Paparazzi" kid Greyson Chance. Korean bowl-cut-Susan-Boyle-impersonator Lin Yu Chun (you get bonus views for being foreign and/or hopelessly awkward). Random-pop-song-covering Maddi Jane. Japanese guitar prodigy Yuto Miyazawa*. Mozart.

Let me boil down every reaction you will ever have to any of these kids: "Aw, s/he's so cute! And only x years old!" (where x=the age at which you were burning ants for fun and laughing hysterically at Kimmy Gibbler (so, for me, 27)). And the fact that almost all of these people are singers really makes me think that singing is nothing special. There's a switch inside you; "on," and you can, "off," and you sound like me. These kids clearly have no emotional connection to what they're doing. How could they? And god help them if they do.

So you get a bunch of stage-parent-afflicted kids trying to land record deals by parroting Whitney Houston or Train or some shit, and also every person who's been on American Idol, ever. And they all have just the worst taste in everything.

This phenomenon is also why Justin Bieber's mom is being trampled by horny, horny 12-year old girls. But considering what her loins hath wrought upon this earth, I don't feel too bad about that.

Am I bitter? Of course! I don't do anything that hundreds of other guys around my age, of my general physical description, can't do; I'm just trying to be seen doing that thing instead of them. Of course I'm doing it about 20 years later than these kids, and they've already been seen. Bitterness ensues.

But really, when it comes down to it, for many reasons this kid is the best summary of why I just don't care that your 11-year old can cover Beyonce. Because I see no difference.

*I'm actually going to exempt Yuto from all this, for a few reasons: 1)that guitar is bigger than him, 2)playing guitar like he can is something achieved on a much higher technical plane than singing, and 3)he has excellent taste. Mozart, you're still on notice. Fucking poser.

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