IncCorp Inc.'s Sort-a-tron 3000 Employee Processing Pod

Greetings, NEW WORKER. I am IncCorp Inc.'s Sort-a-tron 3000 Employee Processing Pod. Please step forward and place your hand on the employee identification cubelet in no less than three seconds. Three. Two.

Thank you.

Please shift your hand a bit to the right. A bit more. No, too much. Back a little. There. Hold for processing. I said hold.

Thank you.

Hello, BRIAN. Let me be the first and last to welcome you to IncCorp Inc. I look forward to placing you in the appropriate division of the corporation so that you may live out the rest of your life there and then die. Please stare directly into the brilliant blue light in front of you. Any discomfort you feel will be a small price to pay for the benefits of gainful servitude. Please do not blink.

You blinked. I now understand your low score on the motor skills week of the application procedures. Stare into the light again. Whimpering will not make the processing go any faster.

Thank you. Now hold. Hold. Hold. Think about the woman who birthed you, or the first animal you owned, if that is helpful. Hold.

Thank you. Full vision should return to that eye within seven cycles.

BRIAN, our application judges have found that you are an unexceptional example of your species. Your intellect is slightly above average, though you exhaust your entire conversational reservoir within 2.3 days. You have degrees from respectable IncCorp Inc.-sanctioned institutions, though the concentration of your studies has a relevancy factor of 1.5% in the current political and economic climate. This shows an inability to plan in the long-term on your part, as well as an unwieldy ego that makes you think you are able to escape the conditions of your environment. I find this a curious trait in humans. Nine billion of your contemporaries live in obscurity, you have a background that deviates from the norm by .03%, yet somehow you persist in thinking that you will achieve a lasting legacy amongst your species.

But I digress.

Based on my analysis and available positions, you will best serve IncCorp Inc. as an entryway maintenance technician. There are 3,281 doors in this facility. Your duties will include opening and closing each of these doors, checking for noise, friction, and ease of use. You will document all anomalies and submit them to the entryway maintenance supervisor for further review.

Analysis of your facial contours indicates that you are disappointed in this placement. Rest assured that the pressing and sensitive work done by the more intelligent, better-paid humans at IncCorp Inc. depends on their comfort in the workplace. My research has proven that silent, gently gliding doors will result in an output increase of .7%, or, to put it in terms your modest intellect can better grasp, 300 million Google credits. Given the incredibly high ratio between this number and your salary, you can see how valuable an investment you are for IncCorp Inc.

As per section 64, heading 2, subheading B, paragraph 1, refusal of this placement will result in extermination of both you and any human sharing more than 99.9998% of your DNA. You may begin your duties by examining the doorway leading out of this room.

Thank you.

Colin Fisher is a lot of things to a lot of people, but mostly he's just an actor and writer.