Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Three Musketeers in THREE DIMENSIONS

We caught Cowboys and Aliens Monday night (which was a lot of fun; both cowboys and aliens were present, as promised), and I had the pleasure? of seeing the trailer for the new Three Musketeers movie.

Oh, by the way, they made a new Three Musketeers movie.

Go ahead, watch the trailer. I'll wait.

Ho. Ly. Shit. Right? I do suppose it's about time for another version, after Man in the Iron Mask (1998) and, um, The Three Musketeers (1993). In fact, we're overdue. But this? We're being trolled, my friends. Evidence:

1. Hollywood listens. They know, man. They hear our jokes about what their pitch meetings must sound like, and those jokes hit them down deep, so their revenge is to come back at us tenfold. I picture execs sitting in an office with a view of the hills and the ocean, saying "OK. We're making another Musketeers movie. How would a sketch about this meeting play out?"

"Well, we'd be coked up." (then they do a lot of coke)

"Great great great great what next?"

"I guess they'd have us mash together four disparate scripts we've had floating around for several years. How about the one with the Napoleonic steampunk stuff, and the one with the assassin queen? I can't feel my face. Is my face still on my face?"

"Oh, we have to do a rush postproduction 3D conversion, then complain when no one pays $20 for the rush postproduction 3D tickets. I think that would be in there. Bob, your face is beautiful."

"Gents, don't forget we have to wipe our asses with $100 bills."

&c &c

2. Christoph Waltz. Hollywood giveth and it taketh away. It cuddles us with one hand and when we get comfortable and happy, slaps us with the pimp hand. Here's an actor who galvanized audiences as one of the best villains in modern cinema in Inglourious Basterds, in four languages no less. Typically, a breakthrough performance and Supporting Actor Oscar nod gives a performer carte blanche. But Hollywood knows what you want. It also knows you pirated that one movie because you weren't sure if it would be any good (it wasn't), or that you snuck into that one movie after your other movie ended. You've been a bad boy, and bad boys don't get what they want. So you get Christoph Waltz in Green Hornet and now The Three Musketeers 3D (can't wait for the geniuses in marketing to overlap those 3s).

3. CGI flamethrowing airships. You know, the heart & soul of the Three Musketeers story.

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