Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Is that Lindsay Lohan or a drunk baby?

Oh lordy lordy lordy. In case you didn't turn on anything electronic this week, Lindsay Lohan is suing eTrade for $100 million dollars, Dr. Evil-style, because she finds an eponymous milkaholic baby in their commercial slanderous. I mean, really, everything you need is contained right there. Describing the story is hilarious enough. But I'd hardly say my job would be done then, so explore with me, won't you?

That's right. Lindsay Lohan finds that she has too much in common with a slutty baby who drinks too much milk, who is also named Lindsay. So she's suing for $100 MILLION DOLLARS. According to her lawyer, "Everyone's talking about it and saying it's Lindsay Lohan." Holy shit, now they are!

I can only assume that astronomical amount was decided upon to help recover the damage done by this commercial to Miss Lohan's reputation. I'd venture out on a limb and say that maybe positioning yourself in the public consciousness so that a vapid, substance-abusing baby calls to mind your leathery freckled cigarette-stained flesh has already done far more damage to your reputation than any commercial possibly could. And your lawyer isn't doing you any favors when he tells the public that surely the first person they thought of was his client when they saw this stupid baby.

You want to protect your reputation? Eat. Show up to work on time. Stop making such awful movies. Don't tell people you've elevated yourself to single-name status. And don't sue someone over a BABY COMMERCIAL.

Sometimes, people behave in a way that is so compatible with their stereotype that you can't even believe it's real. Am I right, closeted Republican congressmen?


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