Thursday, May 27, 2010

The World is Amazing! RE: Fart Blanket

Folks, I haven't been this fascinated and disgusted with a TV product since the PedEgg. But this might take the stale cake:

The Official Better Marriage Blanket. Hereafter referred to as the Fart Blanket. Go ahead, check it out. There's a commercial on the site. I'll wait.

Gross right?

So let's say your bowels are such a twisted, blocked maze of rotting meat and Twinkie wrappers that your wife is having a hard time staying close to you. Because it's the truth. Easily avoided when you're at work, scarfing down Indian food and dark beer. But what about the sacred marriage bed?

I'm farting so much right now
In steps the Fart Blanket!

A normal-appearing comforter hides a layer of activated carbon, which is to funky smell molecules what John Wayne Gacy was to little kids. If he was better at hiding bodies, anyway. Come to think of it, he probably could have used some of the stuff. But as the website assures you, this is the material the military uses to protect against chemical weapons.

That's right. You're sitting on a weapon of ass destruction.

The carbon traps the molecules like General Zod in the Forbidden Zone, and has "an almost unlimited capacity for trapping odor" because holy shit you have to stop farting.

Seriously, what is wrong inside of you? Does your diet consist of homeless people and other farts? Have you been to a doctor? Because this product is for people who have just given up completely. It is absolutely a last resort. It clearly states, "I recognize that the smell of Lucifer's taint is being squirted out of me regularly. I can't change that, and plan on continuing indefinitely. This is the best it's going to get."

Well, this is for you then. As the commercial says, you owe it to your marriage. Because farts is the #3 leading cause for divorce in the United States, right behind B.O. and morning cat breath.

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