Thursday, December 20, 2012

What are you people doing at the post office?

I felt the profound ecstasy of waiting in line at the post office this morning to mail a package for my boss.  The sea of post office humor was drained mostly dry in the 80s by men in sport coats standing in front of brick walls, but I want to address one specific thing.  What transactions are people attempting in there that take so long?

I have a box.  There's an address on that box.  You need to make this box go to that address.  Here's money.  BOOM.  Next.

But no, the people in front of me are never that straightforward.  They have so many questions.  What is there to know?  Do you need to know exactly how these things are being delivered?  Do you need the clerk to explain powered flight, or internal combustion engines?  Are you worried that the mail man in Florida doesn't know where your niece lives?  Don't worry about it.  They have this figured out.  For the most part.

Intense negotiations seem to be happening from time to time.  Exotic currencies from forgotten lands are presented and exchanged.  Eldritch powers are called upon to transport money orders through the netherworld, so that they may be used to buy goats on the other side of the globe.  I think I once saw someone offer a newborn babe as payment.

And the clerk accepted it.

Colin Fisher is many things to many people, but mostly he's an actor and writer.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Hobbit in 3D at 48fps: My Thoughts

I saw The Hobbit Monday night, in 3D at 48fps. For anyone who doesn't know, almost every film you see is shot at 24 frames per second. Jackson decided to film The Hobbit at twice the rate. I'm sure he's elaborated on his reasoning quite well in any of the four thousand press junkets he's done this month. I don't know. Google it. But I've been curious to see the final product, so I figured I'd share my thoughts. Since all of you have been yammering nonstop for my thoughts. Get out of my head.

First off, let me talk about what I thought of the movie itself before I get into my impression of the gears behind the screen. I actually found it fairly underwhelming. I don't know why I wasn't more excited to see the movie; I saw every LOTR film at either midnight on Thursday or prime time Friday. I'm no superfan. I've never read The Silmarillion. But I have read all the appendices in LOTR. I love the world Tolkien created, and I know the map of Middle Earth better than, say, our own Middle East. But I was lackadaisical about getting these tickets.

I think it's problematic to step back to The Hobbit after the previous films have been so ingrained into the minds of those who care. The tone of the book is very different from the Big Three, and the movie caught that tone pretty well. It's not easy to go from "We must save all of Middle Earth from annihilation!" to "We're a bunch of interchangeable dwarves herp derp come on an adventure with us, total stranger. Here's a random song. Do you have any more food?" While the movie did catch that mischievous, adventure-for-the-sake-of-adventure tone, they tried to bridge the gap by really playing up Thorin's need to recapture his kingdom and making the conflict between dwarves and orcs something much more serious than I remember from the book. They created an orc leader for the film, to personalize the action more, whose name I could never properly understand but was often referred to as the Pale Orc. More on him later. That attempt to bridge the tonal gap may have actually hurt this film to some degree. It was jarring to go from bumbling Radagast talking to his animals, and the dwarves cleaning Bilbo's apartment to a song, to epic battles rife with orc decapitation and/or dismemberment.

The movie hit a lot of the same beats as the original trilogy, so much that I felt like I was watching some strange parallel telling of the same story. The way Bilbo first puts on the ring, a dramatic last-minute save, Gandalf facing down a large enemy on a bridge underground (seriously?); there's more than one way to make a fantasy movie, Jackson.

That being said, the cast is great. I was happy with Martin Freeman as Bilbo, which I fully expected, and while it's impossible to give each of the twelve dwarves a full personality and still get your story out in under six hours, I liked the ones we did get to know. Now that this story is out of the way, I'm actually pretty excited to see the next two installments. While this all felt like extremely well-trodden territory, I think the next two films focusing on Mirkwood, Erebor, and Smaug himself should be much more engaging.

Alright, onto the tech. When the film opened I'd forgotten we were about to see something at 48fps (most times I forget what movie I'm even there to see), so I was completely thrown when it did start. My eyes are so accustomed to 24fps that everything seemed to be moving too fast, like a silent film shot on an old crank-powered camera. I assume that was my brain trying to compensate for the extra frames. That passed after a few minutes, but the movie never stopped looking like a TV movie from the 80s. Did you ever see the live-action Alice in Wonderland on PBS when we were kids? That's what this looked like. Video, in short. It also looked like the smoothing feature you see (and immediately turn off, if you know what's good) on HDTVs. It was of course very sharp, and when there was motion you didn't have the blur you get on slower film. But I can't say I liked what we had instead. I'm really trying to look at the whole thing with objective eyes, and not turn my back on a new technique just because it's something I'm not used to. Allegedly the higher frame rate is supposed to benefit CGI, which in some cases seemed true and in some, not at all. The Pale Orc I mentioned was, as far as I can tell, almost entirely CGI, and I thought he looked great. His moments were very human, in that he was mostly still and framed close-up, and I thought it worked very well. What didn't work was any sort of extreme motion with CGI characters. Radagast, the brown wizard who loves his animals more than people, is pulled around on a sled by some very fast rabbits. When that happened, it looked awful. It was a cartoon. Then, we'd see a ghost creeping up on someone and it looked fantastic. Very hit and miss.

I could see this being an early attempt at something that may become mainstream in the future, in which case we may look back at this film and see it like we currently see those crank-camera silent films I mentioned earlier. I certainly applaud Jackson for having the guts to go through with a decision like that. I'm DYING to hear the back and forth with studio execs about the higher frame rate. Studio suits are a notoriously terrified, flighty, herd-like people, so I have absolutely no idea why any of them approved shooting a mid-nine-digit budgeted trilogy in an unproven format. Kudos to them?

This is the second movie (after Avatar) that I've seen in 3D, and it will be the last. It neither added nor subtracted from the film, but it did subtract an extra $7 from my wallet. Every shot I remember is 2D in my head. It just didn't matter at all. But, you can't see this film at the higher frame rate without also donning your 3D specs. Touche, Hollywood.

Colin Fisher is many things to many people, but mostly he's an actor and writer.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Movies I've Never Seen: Steel Sharks

Steel Sharks

In which I fully describe the plot of a movie I've never seen and know nothing about, based solely upon its Netflix picture.

Steel Sharks is written and directed by Garry Marshall. On the page, it's a quirky tale of a submarine commander trying to juggle single fatherhood and a burgeoning love life on Easter. As played on screen by Gary Busey, it turned into something very different. It became the story of Leftenant Cutter McKay (Busey) and his descent into "pressure dementia," a condition that according to this film afflicts 90% of submarine commanders in the US Navy.

"But it's not spelled 'Leftenant,' that's just how the British pronounce it!" Calm down, reader, I just got started. And stop doing that with your hand.

Garry Marshall was all set to capitalize on his formula of ensemble romantic comedies centered around a holiday, but after the release of New Year's Eve resulted in a cluster of suicides and the government-mandated dismantling of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, Marshall had a hard time finding backers for this film. Due to his extremely limited budget, the only name actor he could afford was Busey. Always up for a challenge, Marshall hired him and began filming right away. From day one, Busey was literally not on the same page as the rest of the cast and crew. Even though they were filming the script in order, Busey would only speak his lines from the final scene. Strapped for time and cash, Marshall realized he would have to soldier on and piece the film together in editing. The challenges posed by Busey only increased from there.

On day two, Busey showed up on set in horn-rimmed glasses and carrying a guitar. As soon as Marshall said "action," Busey broke out into Buddy Holly songs. In the final cut, this begins the compelling third act and marks the peak of McKay's pressure dementia.

During the third week of filming, Busey was almost lucid enough to perform the scenes as written, though whenever someone addressed his character on camera he would screech "That's LEFTenant McKay to you, maggot!" He then wrote "leftenant" on his scene partner's forehead in permanent marker; hence, the altered spelling for the official credits of the film.

The final cut of Steel Sharks is a testament to the power of editing in the medium of film. The project went from a Marshall-penned romcom script, to a performance from Gary Busey by way of Col. Kurtz and Hunter S. Thompson, to an above-average military thriller. This may explain why the film won the award for Best Editing at Sonic: America's Drive-In Movie Awards Show, which replaced the Oscars after the Academy's post-New Year's Eve destruction. The award upset some, due to unavoidable relics of the original script: an adorable, yet inexplicable, five-year old girl on board the sub, a bizarre self-mutilation scene set to "I'm Walking on Sunshine," and Hector Elizondo.

Colin Fisher is many things to many people, but mostly he's an actor and writer.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #30

Previous Sketches


Voter ID Laws
by Colin Fisher

INT. POLLING STATION

CAL walks up to a desk manned by an elderly POLL WORKER.  Cal is a white man in his 20s.

CAL
Hi, I’m here to vote.

WORKER
Photo ID please.

CAL
Sure.

He hands it to her.

WORKER
OK Mr. Flynn, I’ve got you right here.  Are you still at 238 Main?

CAL
Yes ma’am.

WORKER
Alrighty.  I have a few more questions here, just routine stuff for the new voter ID laws.

CAL
Oh, OK.

She begins reading from a form on a clipboard.

WORKER
Have you been convicted of a felony since you received your registration?

CAL
No.

WORKER
Have you had any felonious thoughts?

CAL
Thoughts?  Uh, what constitutes a felony again?

WORKER
Oh, you know, murder, theft, arson, battery, rape.  

CAL
And you’re asking if I’ve thought about any of those things?

WORKER
Sure.

CAL
Well, I haven’t made plans to do any of them.  

WORKER
But you have thought about them?

CAL
Well I’m thinking about them right now, because we’re talking about it, but--

WORKER
Ah, I see.

She makes a little mark on the clipboard.

CAL
Wait, what was that mark?

WORKER
Oh, don’t worry, we’ll evaluate all this when we’re done.  Are you black?

CAL
Huh?

WORKER
Are you a black person?  Oh, excuse me, African American?

Cal just looks at her like “seriously?”

WORKER (cont’d)
I’m legally required to ask all of these.

CAL
No.  No I am not black.

WORKER
Have you met any black people recently?

CAL
Not personally, no.

WORKER
Have you seen any?

CAL
Ever?

WORKER
Let’s say within the last four months.

CAL
Yeah.  I have.

WORKER
Huh.

She makes another mark, shakes her head a little.

CAL
Is this legal?  I feel like if I’m registered I’m just supposed to walk in and vote.

WORKER
Considering that our state assembly just passed the laws that say I have to do this, then yes, I think this is legal.  Are you poor?

CAL
Is that a question on the form or are you insulting me?

WORKER
It’s on the form.

CAL
What do they mean by “poor?”

WORKER
I think it’s one of those you-know-it-when-you-see-it things.

CAL
Then no, I’m not poor.

WORKER
Ah.

She nods approvingly, makes her mark.

WORKER
And are you a woman?

CAL
No.

WORKER
Have you ever been a woman?

CAL
No.

WORKER
Will you ever be a woman?

CAL
Probably not.

WORKER
Hmm.

Makes her mark.  

WORKER
Almost there.  Are you going to vote for Mitt Romney?

CAL
That’s none of your business.

WORKER
OK, I have a subset of questions for that answer.  Have you been watching the news in the last few months?

CAL
Yes.

WORKER
Did you see the Republican National Convention?

CAL
Yep.

WORKER
Do you watch any comedy at all on television?

CAL
Mostly, yeah.

WORKER
Do you have any degrees?

CAL
Yes.

WORKER
Alrighty, thanks for your answers.  Let’s see here...

She does some figuring.

WORKER
OK Mr. Flynn.  We won’t be needing your vote this year, but please try again in four years.  Have a nice day.

CAL
Right.

He turns and leaves.  Newspaper spins in with the headline “ROMNEY STILL MANAGES TO LOSE.”

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #29

Previous Sketches


But I’m Training for a Marathon
by Colin Fisher

INT. LIVING ROOM

ALI is sitting on the couch watching TV.  She’s eating a small bowl of popcorn and talking to COLE, who is in the kitchen.  
ALI
So I told my boss that if he really needed me to, I could type up his kids’ homework, but probably they should learn how to do that.

Cole comes in with a ridiculously large bowl of his own popcorn.

COLE
Totally, these people are so entitled.

ALI
Are you seriously about to eat that whole thing?

COLE
Yeah, I’m training for the marathon.  I need the energy.

ALI
If you say so.  How far are you running tomorrow?

COLE
Eighteen miles.

ALI
Good god that’s unnatural.

Cole pulls out a bottle of caramel sauce and starts pouring it all over the popcorn.  He keeps pouring.  He empties the bottle.  Ali just stares.

COLE
I’m sorry, did you want some?

ALI
Are you sure you can have that much sugar?

COLE
Totally!  I’m going to end up burning over 2000 calories tomorrow.  I don’t want to hit the wall like halfway through.  Oh, I forgot something, hang on.

He walks back into the kitchen to get something.  Ali sneaks a little popcorn with the caramel sauce.  Cole comes back in with a plate piled with bacon.  He starts breaking up the bacon and sprinkling it over the popcorn.

ALI
Oh my god, you’re going to kill yourself!

COLE
No way, my heart’s pumping way too efficiently to let this clog up my system.  I need the protein, and actually I need the salt too from all the sweating I’ll be doing.  Seriously, I read about this online.

ALI
Couldn’t you eat some chicken and whole grains or something like that instead?  This just seems excessive.

COLE
Look, I love food and I love running, and this is the best way to combine the two.  It’s only for the training period.  I’ll go back to normal after I run the race.

ALI
If you say so.

COLE
And now for the garnish...

He pulls a vial out of his pocket and sprinkles white powder over the bowl.

ALI
What is that, like powdered sugar?

COLE
Oh, this?  No, it’s cocaine.

Cole stuffs a handful of this mess into his mouth.

ALI
What?!  What are you doing to yourself?!

COLE
Lay off me!  I need the energy!

Freeze frame on Cole.  Text crawls up the screen, which Ali narrates:

ALI (v.o.)
Cole had the energy all right.  By the time the marathon came, he weight 265 pounds.  He started off sprinting at a pace of a five-minute mile.  His heart exploded on the third mile.  He made it another half-mile before he dropped dead.  He was an idiot.

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #28

Previous Sketches


Planning the NYC Subway
by Colin Fisher

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE, 1902

The MAYOR sits at his desk, writing.  A knock at the door.  

MAYOR
Yes, come in please.

RICHARD and CHARLES, the two engineers responsible for planning the city’s subway, come in with some rolled-up maps and a file on the plan.

MAYOR
Ah, just the men I was hoping to see!  Come, have a seat.  Show me the plans for this underground train system, or sub-way, that you claim will revolutionize how New York’s citizens traverse her boroughs.

RICHARD
Your honor, as you look over these plans, you may see things that seem strange at first.  

CHARLES
But trust us when we tell you that we have planned this system not for tomorrow, but for the long-term.  So that in the decades and centuries to come, the residents of the finest city on Earth will need to make almost no adjustments to their public transit.

MAYOR
Well, that all sounds very impressive.  Let’s have a look.

He starts looking at diagrams and plans.  

MAYOR
I believe I’ve already found a problem.  This system will be entirely underground, but I see you’ve made no allowances for any sort of drainage or run-off in a rain storm.  What will happen should a downpour erupt?

RICHARD
Your honor, believe me when I say we’ve taken this into account.  Our friends at the National Geographic Society assure us that scientists will have control over that pesky rain problem in a matter of just a few years.  

CHARLES
Sunny skies for the rest of eternity!  So we felt that instead of addressing a problem that will be rendered moot before construction is even finished, we should focus on other problems.

MAYOR
If you say so.  It seems that an underground system based on electricity would become an absolute quagmire in the slightest of storms without proper care.

CHARLES
Oh, if it were to rain on this system it would shut down completely.  But rest assured that will never happen.

MAYOR
Speaking of electricity, these trains will be running on high voltage tracks, yes?

RICHARD
Indeed, sir.

MAYOR
And yet on the platforms I see no rails or guards against the public falling to the tracks, risking electrocution.  Not to mention the danger of rushing trains.  That would seem to welcome those who are down on their luck to end it all.

CHARLES
My brother is a sociologist at Columbia, sir.  He assures me that based on current trends, we will soon have completely eliminated suicide from our society.  In addition, we shall all have such outstanding spatial awareness that we will never stand too close to one another, nor fail to notice our proximity to danger because our face is buried in some glowing futuristic device.  Will not happen.

MAYOR
You’re asking me to take quite a lot of things on faith, gentlemen.

RICHARD
Faith sir?  Or SCIENCE?

MAYOR
Well see here, no science can indicate why you’ve omitted separate entrances for travelers of color.

CHARLES
Your honor, surely you don’t think our progeny will tolerate the presence of minorities in their society?

MAYOR
Good point.  What are these small rooms in every train car?

RICHARD
Ah, yes, the lady compartments.  

CHARLES
Eventually, our society will come to realize that women only serve to cloud the minds of men with their hysterical womb-brains.

RICHARD
But of course, we’ll still need them to travel through the city to make our clothes and serve our food.

CHARLES
So, we’ll install these lady compartments in every car.  The walls are lined with uranium to block the poisonous womb waves.  Women can travel, and men can focus on bettering the world.

MAYOR
Sounds perfectly reasonable.  You’ve won me over gentlemen, I see no way that this plan could go wrong.  Would you like some celebratory cocaine?

RICHARD
Indubitably!

END

Thursday, September 27, 2012

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #27

Previous Sketches


Monthly Meeting of the Rent is Too Damn High Party
by Colin Fisher

INT. CHURCH BASEMENT

JIMMY MCMILLAN stands at a podium in front of a scattered, mismatched group of people.  He bangs a hammer on the podium.

JIMMY
I hereby call to order the monthly meeting of the Rent is Too Damn High party.  And I want to thank you all for your continued allegiance.  It’s been a while since we came together, and I know everyone dismissed us as a one-election party, but it looks like we’re here to stay.  OK.  Let’s get to it.  Is the delegate from Harlem present?

A middle-aged black woman who looks about as eccentric as Jimmy stands up.

HARLEM DELEGATE
Present, Jimmy.

JIMMY
And what do you have to report from your district?

HARLEM DELEGATE
Jimmy, the rent in Harlem is still too damn high.

Jimmy slaps the podium in frustration.

JIMMY
Damn!  And what are you doing to change it?

HARLEM DELEGATE
Well Jimmy, I went around and I asked all the landlords if they wouldn’t think about lowering the rent since it’s too damn high.

JIMMY
Excellent!  Grassroots!  And what did they do?

HARLEM DELEGATE
They raised the rent Jimmy.

JIMMY
Foiled again!  Is the delegate from Chelsea present?

A young white man stands up.

CHELSEA DELEGATE
Here, Jimmy.

JIMMY
How are conditions in Chelsea?

CHELSEA DELEGATE
Very damn high, Jimmy.

JIMMY
We know that, man!  Rent is high everywhere in the five boroughs!  That’s a given!  But the question is, is it too damn high?

CHELSEA DELEGATE
Yes it is.

JIMMY
It’s these sorts of distinctions that really set us apart, people.  And what actions are you taking in Chelsea to turn the tide for the people?

CHELSEA DELEGATE
Well, I got a group together in front of that new high rise on the west side, and we marched in a circle in front of it chanting that the rent was too damn high.

JIMMY
Fantastic!  Community involvement!  And what happened?

CHELSEA DELEGATE
They raised the rent.

JIMMY
Drat!  Even though you clearly told them it’s too damn high?

CHELSEA DELEGATE
They really didn’t seem too concerned.

JIMMY
I am at a loss here, my good people.  Our message is simple, and it’s universal, and it’s falling on deaf ears.  I’m open to any suggestions.

A YOUNG LADY we haven’t heard from yet stands up.

YOUNG LADY
Mr. McMillan?

JIMMY
Yes young lady?

YOUNG LADY
Do you think maybe we’re limiting ourselves?  I mean, if you look at the big guys, they have all kinds of views on all these different issues.  We’re really just focused on the one thing, and maybe that’s not healthy.

JIMMY
Of course we’re focused on one thing.  It’s right there in the name.  And I won’t rest until the rent is no longer too damn high!

YOUNG LADY
But I think people don’t take us seriously, and I think since all our eggs are in that one basket it’s really easy to get discouraged, you know?  Maybe we should diversify, try something else for a while.  And who knows, maybe we’ll come back to the rent issue afterwards and something will jump out that we never thought about.

JIMMY
What would you have us try out?

YOUNG LADY
I don’t know, there’s all sorts of things.  We could work on clean energy, or better transportation, or creating jobs.  Anything, really.

JIMMY
And you don’t see the challenge in trying to convince people to listen to the energy plan of something called the Rent is Too Damn High Party?  No, no, we’ve made this bed and we are sleeping right in it.  

YOUNG LADY
I think maybe that’s part of the problem too.  Maybe we should think about a name that’s a little more...universal.  The Economic Fairness Party, or the People’s Party, or something like that.

JIMMY
OK.  OK.  How about the People’s Economic Fairness Because the Rent is Too Damn High Party?

YOUNG LADY
It seems a little bulky?  Maybe think about getting away from the “rent is too damn high” part altogether.  Maybe don’t swear in the name of your party too.  I’m just saying, we want to include as many people as possible, right?

JIMMY
You are turning my world on its ear lady.  My entire identity has been built around swearing because the rent is too high.  If you take that away from me I’m not sure I’ll know who I am any more.

YOUNG LADY
Mr. McMillan, I think you sell yourself short.  I think when you feel lost like that, all you’ll need to do is look in a mirror, and admire those sweet muttonchops, and remember where you came from.  Remember that you’re the man who ran for governor of the greatest state in the union, and you’re the man who sat on stage with Andrew Cuomo and said you’d marry someone to a shoe if they wanted it.  Remember you’re a champion of both karate and men.  And I think you’ll know just who you are.

JIMMY
Young lady, you have inspired me.  What’s your name?

YOUNG LADY
Jane, sir.

JIMMY
And how are conditions in your district, Jane?

YOUNG LADY
Well, the rent is too damn high.

Jimmy hangs his head.

END