Movies I've Never Seen: Steel Sharks

Steel Sharks

In which I fully describe the plot of a movie I've never seen and know nothing about, based solely upon its Netflix picture.

Steel Sharks is written and directed by Garry Marshall. On the page, it's a quirky tale of a submarine commander trying to juggle single fatherhood and a burgeoning love life on Easter. As played on screen by Gary Busey, it turned into something very different. It became the story of Leftenant Cutter McKay (Busey) and his descent into "pressure dementia," a condition that according to this film afflicts 90% of submarine commanders in the US Navy.

"But it's not spelled 'Leftenant,' that's just how the British pronounce it!" Calm down, reader, I just got started. And stop doing that with your hand.

Garry Marshall was all set to capitalize on his formula of ensemble romantic comedies centered around a holiday, but after the release of New Year's Eve resulted in a cluster of suicides and the government-mandated dismantling of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, Marshall had a hard time finding backers for this film. Due to his extremely limited budget, the only name actor he could afford was Busey. Always up for a challenge, Marshall hired him and began filming right away. From day one, Busey was literally not on the same page as the rest of the cast and crew. Even though they were filming the script in order, Busey would only speak his lines from the final scene. Strapped for time and cash, Marshall realized he would have to soldier on and piece the film together in editing. The challenges posed by Busey only increased from there.

On day two, Busey showed up on set in horn-rimmed glasses and carrying a guitar. As soon as Marshall said "action," Busey broke out into Buddy Holly songs. In the final cut, this begins the compelling third act and marks the peak of McKay's pressure dementia.

During the third week of filming, Busey was almost lucid enough to perform the scenes as written, though whenever someone addressed his character on camera he would screech "That's LEFTenant McKay to you, maggot!" He then wrote "leftenant" on his scene partner's forehead in permanent marker; hence, the altered spelling for the official credits of the film.

The final cut of Steel Sharks is a testament to the power of editing in the medium of film. The project went from a Marshall-penned romcom script, to a performance from Gary Busey by way of Col. Kurtz and Hunter S. Thompson, to an above-average military thriller. This may explain why the film won the award for Best Editing at Sonic: America's Drive-In Movie Awards Show, which replaced the Oscars after the Academy's post-New Year's Eve destruction. The award upset some, due to unavoidable relics of the original script: an adorable, yet inexplicable, five-year old girl on board the sub, a bizarre self-mutilation scene set to "I'm Walking on Sunshine," and Hector Elizondo.

Colin Fisher is many things to many people, but mostly he's an actor and writer.

Movies I've Never Seen: Norwegian Ninja

Norwegian Ninja

In which I fully describe the plot of a movie I've never seen and know nothing about, based solely upon its Netflix picture.

This film chronicles the journey of the ultimate Norwegian badass: math teacher Lars Larsonsen. Little does he know that this Thursday will be a Thursday like no other!

It starts off innocently enough; morning coffee and lingonberry pancakes with his wife Hilde (easily a 9 in any other Western country, but in Norway more like a 6.5). When brutal capitalist American thugs kidnap Larsonsen's wife after he leaves for work, he knows his past has caught up to him. It's time to dust off his Special Forces skills and get her back. Instead of crunching numbers, this math teacher is crunching skulls!

It quickly becomes evident that the filmmakers have never been to America, or met an American. They all speak heavily-accented pidgin English, most of which is unintelligible to anyone who speaks the language. What few lines do make sense are just diatribes about the advantages of a free market. Every American character in the film wears a turtleneck and has a mustache.

It is also clear that the filmmakers have only a cursory knowledge of ninjas. While Lars does wear a Japanese martial arts uniform and occasionally hides from his enemies, he never once throws a punch or kick or use any sort of sharp weapon. Instead, he uses guns. All the time. Like, way more than any person ever needs to use a gun. The most confounding scene in the film occurs before the third act, when Lars takes a break from searching for his wife to make dinner for himself. He operates every appliance in his kitchen with a pistol. He shoots the buttons on the microwave, shoots open the fridge, shoots silverware out of the drawer, and shoots the cap off his beer bottle. When he's done, he shoots all his dishes, yet inexplicably shoots the dishwasher to start a cycle.

The final fight is between Lars and a character who is clearly supposed to be Donald Trump in a brown turtleneck. He has a terrible combover and announces himself as "Djonni Trumpen, president of the corporation of America." To no one's surprise, Lars shoots him a ridiculous amount of times, then shoots the restraints off his wife, and somehow shoots her pregnant.

Colin Fisher is many things to many people, but mostly he's an actor and writer.

Movies I've Never Seen #6: The Gundown

The Gundown

In which I fully describe the plot of a movie I've never seen and know nothing about, based solely upon its Netflix picture.

Screenwriter Mikey McCaffernathy had a problem. He'd just polished up the last draft of his new feature-length script, The Shootout. It was a Western, something he'd always wanted to write.

But it just wasn't working.

He hit all the right points: the reformed ex-gunslinger, the hooker with a heart of gold, the ranch under threat of bandits & foreclosure. But it was boring. It lacked heart. It lacked the edge that would make it stand out from a pile of scripts on a producer's desk.

Mikey took a long walk one evening, thinking about anything but his script, hoping inspiration would strike from the ether. And friends, strike it did. "What if," said a ghostly voice from the back of Mikey's brain, "gunpowder had never been invented?" Mikey fell to his knees. He knew he'd found his answer. His edge. And his tagline: In a world with no bullets, the man with the heaviest gun is king.

The Gundown is an alternate history of the classical Western. Slim Hopkins is a champion gunslinger who's turned his back on his gunslinging ways. But in this world, with no gunpowder, he's literally a gun slinger. Gun fights here are fast, furious, and short, because it's just a bunch of guys throwing guns at each other.

"But why invent guns? Wouldn't they all just carry swords?" you ask. Well, stop asking so many questions kid, you're bothering me.

The Gundown only grossed $53 domestically, but fortunately Mikey McCaffernathy didn't stick around to see its abysmal failure and resultant rash of suicides. Turned out that strike of inspiration was a massive stroke. Mikey went home, revised his script & sent it to his agent, then dropped dead.

Friends, let this be a lesson: sometimes that voice in your head is The Muse, gifting you with an artistic vision. And sometimes, it's a blood clot in your brain shutting down the activity in your prefrontal cortex.

Colin Fisher is many things to many people, but mostly he's an actor and writer.

Movies I've Never Seen #5: R U Invited?

R U Invited?

In which I fully describe the plot of a movie I've never seen and know nothing about, based solely upon its Netflix picture.

The text-speak in the title is a dead giveaway to the plot of this romantic comedy. Hector is an up-and-coming [INSERT QUIRKY ROMANTIC COMEDY OCCUPATION HERE], but golly is he busy! He's been looking forward to this weekend, because it's his monthly super-hetero topless party with all his super-hetero friends. But to keep them exclusive, they send out a location via email the day before. Turns out, Hector has been so scattered at [QUIRKY OCCUPATION; MAYBE, LIKE, ARTISINAL CHEESE SCULPTOR OR SOMETHING], he totally deleted the location!

He spends one crazy night trying to chase down his friends, texting everyone he knows to get into the totally hetero and chill topless party with all his buddies. But rules are rules! Every time he texts one of his friends to get the location, the only response he receives is "R U INVITED?"

What starts out as a mad dash to find his bros and admire their oiled pecs in a totally no-homo way turns into a night that could change Hector's life. Who is the mysterious man who keeps showing up after Hector? Could this adorable girl Hector just met (played by Zooey Deschanel) be The One? Will Hector ever find his friends?

Now, you may be wondering where that tagline "Beauty Isn't Only Skin Deep" comes in. Turns out Hector was dreaming all along. In reality, he's in the year 2023, at a type of party that's all the rage now: Flesh Parties. Taking the adage "beauty isn't only skin deep" a little too far, and having seen one too many "It's Stefon!" reruns (the sitcom that started in 2013 featuring Bill Hader's "Stefon" character), the homosexual community in NYC has taken to flaying themselves to show off the quality of their musculature. Hector was in mid-flay and passed out from the pain. He then dreamed he was in a mediocre movie from 2006.

In a second twist, we learn that the Flesh Party is actually all in the mind of a young autistic boy named Tommy Westphall playing with a snowglobe. Technically, this puts Hector's Flesh Party in the same world as St. Elsewhere, Law and Order, and others.

In a third twist, M. Night Shyamalan is still making movies.

Movies I've Never Seen #4: Spirit of the Forest

Spirit of the Forest

In which I fully describe the plot of a movie I've never seen and know nothing about, based solely upon its Netflix picture.

Spirit of the Forest is based on the whimsical Scandinavian folk tale "Skellenvagbitchmunden," so get off the director's back already because it in no way infringes upon the Smurfs.

Now, on to the plot: Gargamellen is an evil wizard who lives in the forest and wants nothing more than to feed the Smorfen to his pet dog Israelen. The Smorfen are of course the titular "spirits of the forest," but this isn't truly known until a stellar reveal in the 7th act. I suppose I should mention that since this is based on a Scandinavian story, it comes in at a bulky 5 hours 23 minutes.

In an attempt to escalate his Smorfen-cooking efforts, Gargamellen uses chopped up Smorf bits to create a female Smorf and sends her into the Smorf village. Once there, she entices the all-male Smorfen with a surprisingly lewd dance. Dada Smorf, being older, wiser, and far less interested in females than the rest of the village, recognizes this as sabotage on the part of Gargamellen and uses ancient forest magic to reprogram Smorfette into a vicious killing machine.

The film takes a wild turn here. Smorfette, now completely consumed with desire to destroy Gargamellen, dons a pair of Ray-Bans and a leather jacket and speaks in broken Austrian-accented English. At one point the director inserts a full scene from Terminator, apparently transferred directly from an old VHS copy.

In the hour-long climax of the film, the Smorfs, led by Smorfette and Dada Smorf, invade Gargamellen's compound and kill him. The death scene is a combination of those from Braveheart and Passion of the Christ, but without the nuance. With Gargamellen dead, balance is restored to the forest and the Smorfs celebrate with a 24-minute musical number. This was Sweden's 2008 entry for Best Foreign Film at the Oscars.

Also there's a talking tree voiced by Ron Perlman, because why not.

Movies I've Never Seen #3: Somebody Help Me 2

Somebody Help Me 2

In which I fully describe the plot of a movie I've never seen and know nothing about, based solely upon its Netflix picture.

Somebody Help Me 2 is a deeper look into the philosophical implications put forth in Somebody Help Me; chiefly, in a slasher film populated entirely by African Americans, who dies first?

Marques Houston (left) plays Dr. Marques Dallas, an astrophysicist keenly aware of the spacetime consequences of this paradox. Similar to the situation of Schrodinger's Cat, the characters of this film exist in states of both dead and not-dead until the film is viewed by an outside observer. Fortunately, this has yet to happen.

Malika Haqq (second from left) plays Maliqqa Hak, Dr. Dallas' mysterious lab assistant.

Omarion Grandberry (third from left) plays Mario Littlefruit, childhood friend of Dr. Dallas and a beloved pop star. In either a bold acting choice or a desperate cry for help, Mr. Grandberry is barely intelligible and may actually be speaking Russian. At one point he's clearly on the phone with his agent trying to get out of his contract.

Chrissy Stokes (right) spends the whole movie being all "bitch, please."

In a startling third act reveal, it turns out Maliqqa Hak is actually Jennifer Love Hewitt in blackface. As soon as a white actor is introduced, all three African American characters are simultaneously murdered.

Movies I've Never Seen #2: The Stranger In Us

The Stranger In Us

In which I fully describe the plot of a movie I've never seen and know nothing about, based solely on its Netflix picture.

Eddie (top) is a quirky copywriter who does the descriptions on the back of shampoo bottles. Edgar (bottom) is the scrappy orphan Eddie took in to impress the new girl at work (Zooey Deschanel). On a madcap adventure to find the out-of-print vinyl edition of Zooey's favorite song, Eddie and Edgar accidentally kill a homeless man (middle) and eat him to hide the evidence. They spend the rest of the movie looking at each other smugly.

Movies I've Never Seen #1: Beauty's Magical Adventure

Beauty's Magical Adventure

In which I fully describe the plot of a movie I've never seen and know nothing about, based solely on its Netflix picture.

This film is a cutting-edge animated documentary about the ins and outs of copyright law. Not content to merely gather talking heads on the subject, documentarian Peter McFickelson inserts himself into the story by creating his own version of the Beauty & The Beast fable which bears a striking resemblance to an Oscar-nominated film by animation powerhouse Disney Co.

The film starts with a quick five-minute segment detailing the copyright process and what constitutes copyright infringement, a la Schoolhouse Rock. This is followed by a longer animation-within-an-animation of McFickelson hand-drawing his own Beauty/Beast feature. This is then followed by an animation-within-an-animation-within-an-animation of McFickelson hand-drawing the segment in which he hand-draws the feature. This goes on for two more hours. Many viewers have questioned this decision, but McFickelson has always marched to the beat of his own drum to say the least!!! Following this segment is the completed result of his labor, Beauty's Magical Adventure. It is, to quote the main theme song (composed by none other than McFickelson, what can't he do?!), a "tale as old as wine."

The documentary takes a turn for the dark in its final act. As we all know, Disney Co. operates above US and even for that matter galactic law, so their punishment of McFickelson is one of Supreme Commanding Judge Michael Eisner's own choosing. Never one to shy from the truth, McFickelson shows us every detail of his time served as a restraining belt on Space Mountain, a hand towel in the bathrooms by Pirates of the Caribbean, and finally the newest character at Epcot. This is achieved [SPOILER ALERT] by the removal of McFickelson's skin, which is then worn by an actor outside Test Track.

I give this 3.5/5 McFickelson skins.