National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #13

Previous Sketches

Times are Tough

by Colin Fisher

INT. LIVING ROOM

BRAD and CORY are sitting on the couch, playing Xbox.  General mess around them indicates it’s been going on for a while.

BRAD

So you gonna vote?

CORY

Dude, absolutely.

BRAD

Awesome, glad to hear it.

CORY

I mean, this is the worst our economy’s been since the 30s.

BRAD

Scary stuff dude.

Cory’s iPhone dings.  He checks his email quickly, goes back to the game.

BRAD (cont’d)

It’s like, I don’t know where it’s all headed or how to fix it, but I don’t want to hand this off to our kids one day you know?

CORY

Totally.  Look at the mess our parents are leaving us with.  

BRAD

Dicks.

CORY

Hey, do you want Thai?

BRAD

Yeah, usual?

CORY

Totally.

BRAD

K.

Brad picks up his iPhone, swipes taps swipes for a while.

BRAD (cont’d)

Be here in like 20.

CORY

Awesome, you need cash?

BRAD

Nah man, already paid.  Got my bonus.

CORY

Sweet.  But it’s like, everyone around us is just doing their day to day shit, and I’m like people!  Don’t you know what’s going on?  I don’t know how there aren’t riots every day.

BRAD

Totally.  I don’t know what it would take to wake them up.

An error message comes from the TV.

CORY

Yo, why’d we just get booted?

BRAD

Maybe the server’s down?

Cory checks his laptop.

CORY

What the hell man!  The internet’s out!

BRAD

What the fuck!

CORY

This is bullshit!

Cory throws his laptop violently to the floor, shattering it.  Brad flips over the coffee table.  They both scream primal screams, then run out the front door tearing at their shirts.

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #12

Previous Sketches

The Space Station Show

by Colin Fisher

EXT. SPACE

The International Space Station floats in the shot.

MIKE V.O.

And now, back to the Space Station Show!

INT. LIVING MODULE ONBOARD THE ISS

DONNA is at a little table, “cooking” by adding water to some ingredients and stirring.  MIKE floats into the module.  One person off-camera claps.

DONNA

Hello Mike dear!  How was your space walk?

MIKE

Brutal.  Mission control can be a real slave driver sometimes, I tell ya.  When’s dinner?

DONNA

It’ll be ready in just a few minutes.

MIKE

Great!  My stomach’s as empty as the void surrounding this space station.

The person off-camera laughs hysterically.

IVAN, the Russian cosmonaut stationed on the ISS, floats quickly and awkwardly through the doorway banging into things a la Kramer.  He’s got weird hair.  The person off-camera laughs and cheers.

IVAN

Bozhe moi!  Are you shrinking doors on me?

MIKE

No, Ivan.  It’s the same size it always is.

IVAN

I think maybe you are pulling prank on me, neighbor.  Typical American!

DONNA

What did you come over for today, Ivan?

IVAN

A friend cannot come to see his comrades now and again?

MIKE

You sure can’t seem to.

Off-camera laugh.

IVAN

So distrustful!  Is no wonder Cold War lasted four decades!

MIKE

What do you need, Ivan?

IVAN

Nothing!  Companionship!  Time with friends!  Maybe cup of Tang!

DONNA

And here you go.

IVAN

Thank you, comrade!  Will be seeing you!

He leaves as clumsily as he came.  Applause from the off-camera guy.  Mike float-sits, heaves a big sigh.  Donna messes something up.

DONNA

Darn it!  Darn it all!

MIKE

Whoa, hey, what’s wrong?

DONNA

I think I added too much water, and now our dinner is all ruined!  Darn it!

MIKE

Hey, it’s OK!  Calm down!  Are you sure that’s all that’s on your mind?  You seem so tense.

DONNA

Well, maybe not.

MIKE

Donna, what is it?

DONNA

It’s just, you’re so busy with work and everything that sometimes...sometimes I worry that you forget about me.

MIKE

Hey, I could never do that!  You’re the most special gal in the whole world!  The whole solar system!  And trust me, I know solar systems, OK?  

Off-camera “ha!”

MIKE (cont’d)

Really, you’re the most important thing to me, and if I haven’t been reminding you that that’s true, well, then, I guess I better shape up,  I love you, Donna.

DONNA

I love you too.

Off-camera “aww.”

MIKE

Now get some straws.  Let’s drink this dinner.  Is there any water?

DONNA

Here you go.

She hands him a pouch with clear liquid inside.  He takes a sip, spits it out.

MIKE

That’s not water, that’s vodka!  IIIIIIVAN!

Laughter.

FADE OUT

INT. SLEEPING POD

Mike and Donna are “in bed,” strapped to a wall with velcro.  There’s a third person, a man, strapped in next to them.  He is the man we heard reacting off-camera.  Donna and the man sleep while Mike writes.

MIKE V.O.

The entire crew of the space station is deep in the clutches of space madness.  Today we acted out an entire episode of a fictional sitcom.  No news from mission control on when our relief may come.  Repeated attempts to convey gravity of situation to them have failed.  I fear the worst if we’re forced to stay here much longer.  Jim has clearly regressed beyond our help.  He demands more episodes of The Space Station Show.  We’re running low on tranquilizers.  Help me Diary.  You’re my only hope.  Sincerely, Buzz Goddamn Lightyear.

CUT TO Mike’s hands.  He’s not actually writing on anything, just miming holding a pen in one hand and writing the other.  He puts the fake diary on the wall next to him, then just stares straight ahead.

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #11

Previous Sketches

Wacky Ice Cream Parlor Employee

by Colin Fisher

INT. ICE CREAM PARLOR

STEVE walks up to the counter, looking at the different flavors behind the glass.  MARIE comes out of the back.  Her apron is tied on backwards and her little paper hat is askew.

MARIE

Welcome to Baskin Robbins!  Would you like to sample any of our flavors today?

STEVE

Hi, yeah, I was wondering if I could try the birthday cake flavor?

MARIE

Sure!  That’s one of my favorites.

She gets a little wooden spoon out and moves to scoop up the ice cream, then pauses.

MARIE

Wait, is it that one or that one?

She dips the spoon into one tub, tastes it.

MARIE

Right, it’s that one.

She dips the same spoon back in, then hands it to Steve.

STEVE

Uh, could I get a clean spoon?

MARIE

Oh god, duh Marie!  I’m sorry.  Here you go.

She dips a fresh spoon in and starts to hand it to him, then sneezes on it.

MARIE

Oh jeez, sorry!

Marie grabs a napkin and dabs at the ice cream on the spoon, then hands the spoon to Steve.

STEVE

I don’t think that kills the germs, actually.  And you just sneezed on all those tubs.

MARIE

Wow, I guess I did huh?  Maybe they should put glass on this side of the counter too!

STEVE

Then no one could reach the...nevermind.  Let’s see what you have down here.

He moves down the counter, to the ice cream that was out of range of Marie’s sneeze.

STEVE

OK, I’ll just take two scoops of mint chocolate chip.

MARIE

Coming right up!

Marie gets out a bowl and starts scooping ice cream into it.  She goes to put a third scoop in the bowl.  

STEVE

Just two scoops, please.

She continues dumping scoops of ice cream onto the bowl during this.

MARIE

What’s that now?

STEVE

Two!  Just two scoops!

MARIE

No, this is way more than two scoops.

STEVE

Good lord stop scooping!  I just want two!

MARIE

Oh, you just wanted two?  In here?

STEVE

Yes!

MARIE

Well that makes a lot more sense!  I was thinking “gee, how’s he going to carry all this ice cream home with him?”

She shoves all the extra ice cream back into the tub and goes to the register.

MARIE

Your total today will be $13.50.

STEVE

For two scoops?

MARIE

Marie, get in the game!  I’m so sorry.  I rang it up for all that ice cream I scooped out.  OK, $3.50.

STEVE

Are you OK?

MARIE

I’m great.  How are you?

STEVE

Fine.  I’m worried about you though.  This is a really simple job.  Like, idiot children do this job just fine.  You’re a grown woman and that was...not good.

MARIE

Oh, I know.  I’m just a wacky ice cream parlor worker who’s really bad at her job for some reason.

STEVE

So you’re aware?

MARIE

Absolutely!  I’m no idiot, trust me.  This just helps pay bills while I pursue my Ph.D in neurobiology at Columbia.

STEVE

Holy shit, really?

MARIE

Yeah.  It’s going great.  But I just can’t get a handle on this job.  I do things backwards, I get into all sorts of crazy mix-ups, I can’t complete the simplest tasks.  But they won’t fire me.

STEVE

That’s...bizarre.

MARIE

I know, right?  I actually haven’t seen my boss since I started working here.

STEVE

Huh, weird.  Listen, I’m sorry if I came off sort of harsh.

MARIE

No need to apologize!  Trust me, you’re not the first person to say something.

STEVE

OK.  Would you like to grab coffee or something?

MARIE

Right now?

STEVE

Sure, why not?

MARIE

Yeah.  Yeah, that’d be nice.  Let me just grab my purse.

Marie goes into the back for a beat.  She runs back out, and smoke and flames are suddenly visible through the doorway.

MARIE

We should hurry.

They run out the front door together.

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #10

Previous Sketches

HIGH SCHOOL IS EVERYTHING

by Colin Fisher

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY

Slowly move in on BRIAN and DALE at their lockers.  A quick piece of music plays over the title “High School is Everything” so it’s clear this is a TV show.  Brian wears a letter jacket (is that still a thing?), clean cut All-American type.  Dale is smaller, somewhat less polished.  He wears glasses.  Obviously a cool kid though, whatever that means.  MIKE walks up to them, more or less a copy of Brian.

MIKE

You guys, I think Stacy already has a date for prom.  What am I going to do?

BRIAN

I don’t know man, I don’t think I’m the one to help you.  I was sure that Julie and I would be going together.  I mean, we’ve been going out for two years.  But she’s been...different lately.

MIKE

Really?  Maybe the glee club’s been on her mind.  This might be the first year ever that they don’t make it to regionals.

It’s clear that Dale is working something out in his head right now.

BRIAN

I guess that could be it.  I’ve been so preoccupied with the football team that I didn’t even know the glee club was having trouble.

MIKE

It’s all over the school, man.

BRIAN

Wow, I should talk to her.  But we have to get to this SAT course, stat.  The test is Saturday!  I’ve gotta get into Harvard!

DALE

Guys?

They stop and look at him.  He looks into the camera on this next line.

DALE

Do you ever wonder why adults give a shit about any of these problems?

Brian and Mike turn to the camera as well, questioningly.

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #9

Previous Sketches

Everyone Stab on 3

by Colin Fisher

INT. ROMAN THEATRE ENTRYWAY

A large group of Roman senators are clustered anxiously in the room.  BRUTUS and CASSIUS stand slightly in front of them.

CASSIUS

So I’ll count to three on my hand, behind Caesar, and then we all start stabbing.  Cool?

BRUTUS

Everyone goes at once?

CASSIUS

Yeah, everyone’s in on the plan.  It’s gonna be great, Rome will be free from Caesar’s tyranny and all that.  

BRUTUS

OK.  As long as we’re all in it together.

CASSIUS

Totally, totally.

RANDOM SENATOR

He’s coming!

CASSIUS

Everyone play it cool.  Lucius, you ready?

Lucius is holding a scroll.

LUCIUS

Yep.

CASSIUS

OK, OK, just talk among yourselves.

CAESAR walks in and keeps moving.

CAESAR

Hey Brutus.

Lucius steps up and stops Caesar, sticking the scroll in his face.

LUCIUS

Caesar, I was wondering if you could take a look at this petition I’m starting up?

CAESAR

I really need to find my seat.

LUCIUS

It won’t take long.

The senators crowd in closer to Caesar, who’s reading the petition.  Cassius is behind him and holds up his hand, counting one, two, three on his fingers.  As soon as he hits three, Brutus yells and stabs Caesar in the chest.  No one else moves, and when Brutus stabs there are random reactions like “Oh my god he totally did it!”  and “Whoa!” and general giggling.  Brutus looks around in shock.  Caesar is also in shock with a knife sticking out of his chest.  He looks down at it and then falls to the floor.

BRUTUS

What the hell guys?!  We were all supposed to go on three!

LUCIUS

It totally worked!  Some of you bitches owe me five bones!

CASSIUS

Wow, man.  You really went for it!  And you yelled and everything!  Well done!

BRUTUS

What’s wrong with you people?  I thought this was a conspiracy.  We were all in it together.

CASSIUS

Oh, we’re in it together all right.  But it’s not really a conspiracy.  It’s a fraternity.

BRUTUS

A fraternity?  What the hell is that?  

CASSIUS

It’s like a club.  It’s an exclusive group, just guys, and we hang out and drink and throw parties for girls and stuff.  

BRUTUS

And you’re all in it?

CASSIUS

Yeah, I came up with it and got all these guys to join.

BRUTUS

So what, you all stabbed someone or something?

CASSIUS

No, no.  These guys were all in on the ground floor.  I wanted you to join, but some of the bros weren’t sure so we came up with a test for you.

BRUTUS

A test?  This was all a test?  What about the conspiracy?  What about freeing Rome from potential tyranny and returning her to her republican roots?

CASSIUS

Nah, that was all bullshit.  None of us can stand Caesar, and we needed you to do something special to join, so.  Win win.

BRUTUS

That’s really fucked up guys!  Caesar was my best friend before you came up with this fake plot!  I haven’t slept in weeks!  I had to confide in my wife and she left me!

CASSIUS

Don’t worry man!  You’ve got us now.  The bros of Alpha Delta Gamma!

BRUTUS

Why did you just say three Greek letters in a row?

CASSIUS

That’s the name of the fraternity!

BRUTUS

But why Greek?  We’re Roman.

CASSIUS

I don’t know.  It’s cooler.  You’re in it!

Caesar coughs and grabs Brutus’ ankle.  It startles him and he jumps back.

CAESAR

Brutus...you guys...are total douchebags.

END

Another, more optimistic, post about running

Today was an 18-mile run and it went way better than last week's 17.  Funny how much slamming carbs can make a difference.  Amy made this last night (with farfalle instead of spiral), of which I ate a heaping plate with most of a huge loaf of bread from Whole Foods.  This morning I had my usual hot cereal AND a bagel with a little peanut butter.  I think it all helped.  After about nine miles I felt pretty good coming around a corner, so I picked up the pace for pretty much the rest of the run.  I brought my time down from 9:45ish to finish with a pace of 9:24.  I would not have thought that possible after last week.  When I got home I did not in fact feel like curling up on the couch and dying.  I had a smoothie and actually felt like eating lunch.

That's the good news.  The bad news is my feet are trying to abandon ship.  I believe two nails are going to come off my right foot, and the blister situation is atrocious.  If you're really interested, I have gross pictures: one from last week, and some from today (if you're questioning whether to click them, then just don't).  Sorry.  So you can see why I'm heading to a running store tomorrow and making them give me the full gait study to find the right pair of shoes to finish out this program and do the marathon.

I figured out that the blistering, while probably not helped by the fact that I was wearing cotton socks, is happening where my foot sits on the meeting of the insole and upper of my shoe.  I guess they're too narrow right there.So for my eight-mile run Wednesday, I got some moleskin and put it on my feet.  Did not really help.  Today, I put moleskin over the area where the blistered part of my feet sit in the shoe, and also on my feet.  It helped, but after five miles or so I could tell it wasn't a total fix.  I think by mile 10 or so, it was full-on painful.  When I start out, I'm mostly focused on keeping my posture right ("running tall," as I saw it called at Runner's World; I like that), keeping my stride rate up, and just being efficient.  For the last few miles of these long runs all I can really think of are the hot needles stabbing my feet and the pieces of dry rubber sitting on my eyes that I used to call contacts.

I'd mentioned this in my last post, and I have been able to wear my contacts more during the week by drinking a ton more water.  But there's nothing I can really do on a three-hour run to keep my eyes moisturized enough, short of eye drops.  There's no way I can do that while running, and it's really not something I want to stop for every couple miles.  I guess it's something I can deal with.

But really, that stuff is overshadowed by the fact that I ran 18 miles today with a 9:24 pace and I don't feel like dying.  It makes the idea of finishing a marathon with a time I'll be proud of seem completely in reach, and it helped me realize that one tough long run does not necessarily mean you're in trouble.  This is why I enjoy running.  It's really simple, and to get better really all you need to do is put in the time, if you're so inclined.  Problems arise, you can usually easily identify the source, handle it, and move on.  If only acting were so simple.