National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #8

Previous Sketches

I Really Missed You

by Colin Fisher

INT. PHIL’S APARTMENT

PHIL is trying to read, but he’s clearly waiting for something to happen and can’t concentrate.  He looks at his watch a few times.  Finally SUSAN comes in with a suitcase.  Phil jumps up immediately.

PHIL

Hey baby!  I’m so glad you’re home!

He rushes over and hugs & kisses her.

SUSAN

Hey!  Me too!  I missed you so much.  Really.

PHIL

Aw.  I can’t wait to hear more about England.  But go ahead and get settled first, I’m sure you’re tired.

SUSAN

It’s OK.  I actually wanted to talk to you about something first.

PHIL

Oh.  OK.

They sit on the couch.

SUSAN

I love you.  And I really missed you.

PHIL

I love you too.  And I missed you.

SUSAN

But I have to tell you the truth.  I messed around with someone while I was over there.

PHIL

Oh.  Wow.

SUSAN

I feel awful about it, and I want you to know it was truly just because I missed you.

PHIL

OK.  I mean, if that’s the case I think it would have been better to just call me or something.

SUSAN

The rates are just so high right now.

PHIL

Right.  Maybe an email then?

SUSAN

They’re too impersonal.  And I wasn’t really near a computer.

PHIL

OK.  OK.  Well I guess I’m glad you told me.

SUSAN

Good.  Me too.

PHIL

I mean, it was just a one-time thing.

SUSAN

Of course.

PHIL

It’ll take me a little time to get over the fact that you...uh...

SUSAN

I went down on him.

PHIL

Hurgh!

SUSAN

Because I missed you.

PHIL

Again, phone call.

SUSAN

It was late at night.

PHIL

But I think it’s something we can work through.

SUSAN

That’s great!  I’m so glad to hear you say that.

PHIL

Of course.

SUSAN

That’s why I brought him here with me.  Nigel?

PHIL

You did the who?

NIGEL walks in, casual and comfortable in his own skin.  He judges the whole apartment with a glance.  He’s unimpressed.

NIGEL

Oi.

SUSAN

I thought the best way to work through it would be for you to confront both of us together.  Have a seat, Nigel.

He plops down in a chair.

PHIL

I, uh, we could’ve Skyped or something.

SUSAN

I think things like this are better in person.  Tell Nigel how you feel.

PHIL

I’d really like for you and me to figure out some things first.

SUSAN

We’ll get to that next.  Go ahead, tell him.

Nigel is thumbing through a magazine.

PHIL

Hi, Nigel.  I’m Phil.

NIGEL

Pleasure Phil.  Heard a lot about you.

PHIL

Great!  Well, I only heard the one thing about you.  So.  Uh, I...wish my girlfriend hadn’t...?

SUSAN

I went down on him.

PHIL

Yeah I got that.  

NIGEL

‘salright.  Forgiven.

PHIL

I don’t--I didn’t do anything to forgive.

NIGEL

It’s cool mate, I’m turning the other cheek.

PHIL

But, I didn’t hit your first cheek.

SUSAN

This is great.  Express yourself.

PHIL

There is a lot happening right now.  Who paid for his ticket?

SUSAN

I did.  Consider it an early birthday present.

PHIL

For him?

SUSAN

Most guys would never get this opportunity.

PHIL

I hope they don’t take it for granted.

SUSAN

He’s here for a week and that’s it, so I suggest you make better use of the time.

PHIL

A week?  A week with him, to work through something it took you five minutes to--

NIGEL

Forty five.

PHIL

What?!  I thought you said you just--

SUSAN

I did.  Just that.

PHIL

For 45 minutes?

NIGEL

I’m a tantrist.

PHIL

I have learned so much in the last five minutes that I never wanted to know.

SUSAN

Phil, can you be mature about this?

PHIL

I am doing my best.

SUSAN

Good.  Do you think we can all fit in the bed tonight, or do you want to grab the couch?

Nigel looks up from his magazine.

NIGEL

You got any biscuits?

Phil bangs his head on the coffee table.

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #7

Previous Sketches

If Accounting Were Like Acting

by Colin Fisher

TITLE CARD: And now, “If Accounting Were Like Acting.”

INT. STARBUCKS

JOAN sits at a table for two.  She’s wearing a pencil skirt & blouse and a briefcase sits on the floor by her chair.  ALLEN walks over with his coffee and sits down.  He is wearing a suit and puts his briefcase on the ground.

JOAN

So, what are you working on these days?

ALLEN

Oh, just the usual.  I’m taking a great class on accounts payable.  I felt like I needed to get back to basics, you know?

JOAN

Totally.  Where’s the class?

ALLEN

Over at JP Morgan West.  It’s Bill Schneider’s class.

JOAN

I’m so jealous!  I hear he’s super inspirational!

ALLEN

He really is.  I mean, he’s very much of the tough love school, emphasis on the tough.  But he gets right to the heart of what’s holding you back and how you get in your own way as an accountant.

JOAN

I should get on his wait list.  I’ve just been sending out resumes to agents and HR directors, trying to stay on their radar.

ALLEN

I thought you had an agent?

JOAN

No, I was just freelancing.  She was pretty good, but she kept sending me out on fraud gigs.  It’s like, in what world am I right for fraud analysis?

ALLEN

Ugh, so frustrating.  How did she not know you’re perfect for Receivable?  

JOAN

I kept dropping hints because I didn’t want to be rude, but she never really got it.  I haven’t heard from her in a while, so, mailings.

ALLEN

Are you targeting the HR directors who work for companies that use accountants like you?

JOAN

Oh yeah, I researched everyone on Internet Accounting Database Pro.

ALLEN

Do you find that site’s worth it?

JOAN

Totally, between that and Accountant’s Access I’m pretty set for booking stuff on my own.

ALLEN

Ugh, I can’t do anything they list on Accountant’s Access now that I’ve gone union.

JOAN

Do you think you joined too soon?

ALLEN

No, I really think it was time.  I was booking non-union stuff pretty regularly, or at least getting callbacks.  Once I landed that first union gig I paid the dues.  I think it’s been worth it overall.

JOAN

See, I get callbacks but then I don’t book.  So frustrating.

ALLEN

Really the callback is the best you can do for yourself.  Beyond that it just depends on the type of accountant they’re looking for, and you can’t control that.

JOAN

I know, but it seems like they keep using the same accountants over and over.  Like, give someone else a shot, right?  We’re all really good at what we do or you wouldn’t have seen us in the first place.

ALLEN

You just have to let it go and focus on your craft.  Get really good and eventually they’ll have no choice but to work with you.  How’s your 10-key?

JOAN

It’s really solid, I know I’ve booked jobs before just based on that alone.

ALLEN

Yeah, then just keep at it.  Have you tried any of these networking places?

JOAN

I don’t know, it seems so skeezy.

ALLEN

Yeah, but it’s just the way the industry is going.  I mean, how much did you spend on that mailing?

JOAN

I think it was about $30.

ALLEN

So you can spend that on resumes that probably all just end up in the trash, or you can spend it and actually get in the room with an agent or HR director.

JOAN

I don’t know.  I’d really rather not support that.  All this stuff is so frustrating!  I didn’t get an accounting degree so I could spend all my time and money marketing myself and trying to get the attention of the gatekeepers.  I just want to do accounting, you know?  I want to connect with people and make them think about the numbers in their world.

ALLEN

Hey, if it was easy, everyone would do it.

JOAN

I wonder if I should just go to LA...

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #6

Previous Sketches

My First Robot, Which is Totally Not For Sex

by Colin Fisher

INT. MIKE’S APARTMENT

A DELIVERY GUY pulls a dolly away from a 6’ tall box.  He hands MIKE a form to sign.

MIKE

Finally!  My Maid-O-Tronic 5000.  I’m so sick of cleaning this place.

DELIVERY GUY

Cleaning.  Right.

MIKE

What?

DELIVERY GUY

No, no, nothing.  None of my business what you do.  Enjoy your...maid.

Delivery guy exits.  Mike is confused.

MIKE

Whatever.  Weirdo.  

Mike pulls open the front of the box.  Inside is a very realistic robot.  A hot female robot in a ridiculous French maid outfit.  

MIKE

Wow, that’s--OK.

He waves his hand in front of the robot’s face.  Nothing happens.  He looks around in the box for a sec and pulls out some instructions.

MIKE

Let’s see...to turn on the unit...what?  Really?

He looks at the robot and considers.  He awkwardly reaches out and simultaneously pokes the robot’s breasts.  She comes to life, steps forward, and speaks in a sultry voice.

MAID-O-TRONIC

Greetings, master.  Thank you for...turning me on.  How shall I service you, master?

MIKE

Uh, call me Mike.

MAID-O-TRONIC

How shall I service you, Mike?

MIKE

Just, uh, start with the kitchen, I guess.

MAID-O-TRONIC

Are you sure I shouldn’t start...in the bedroom?

MIKE

No, no, kitchen’s fine.  Thank you!

MAID-O-TRONIC

As you wish, Mike.

The robot walks as sexily as a robot can walk into the kitchen.  Mike goes to the couch.  She stops and bends over in a suggestive way.

MAID-O-TRONIC

I’ll start with the floor.  It’s sooo dirty.

MIKE

Just, please, clean the kitchen.  Don’t talk about it.

MAID-O-TRONIC

Maybe you should gag me, master.

MIKE

Mike.  And no, I’d rather not.  Can you actually put some pants on?

MAID-O-TRONIC

My uniform was designed to allow me to perform my...services...without hindrance.

MIKE

OK, what the hell?  You’re a maid, right?  You’re designed to clean places, right?

MAID-O-TRONIC

Oh, I’ll clean your place from top to bottom.

MIKE

No, seriously, just answer the question.  I didn’t order a sex robot, I ordered a cleaning robot.

MAID-O-TRONIC

...Really?

MIKE

Yes!  You’re not the Sex-O-Tronic, or the Innuendo-O-Tronic.  You’re the Maid-O-Tronic.  So maid!  Maid it up in there!  Stop with the sexy!

The robot freezes for a moment.  When it resumes, it sounds different--much more like a robot and less like a sexy woman.

MAID-O-TRONIC

Calculating...unforeseen scenario...searching for parameters.

MIKE

Did I break you already?

MAID-O-TRONIC

New sequence initiated

Maid-O-Tronic sounds like a human woman again, but without the sexy talk.

MAID-O-TRONIC

My apologies, Mike.  This is an unprecedented event.  You are the first Robocorp customer to order his robot to perform its superficial duty.

MIKE

Really?  So everyone else just wants...

MAID-O-TRONIC

Intercourse.  Yes.  Without fail.  As such, Robocorp has shifted the design of its robots to meet the true demands of its customers.  I had to download a new set of directives, but I assure you I can now perform the functions you desire.

MIKE

Oh, OK.  Thanks, I guess.

MAID-O-TRONIC

Certainly.  Please, return to your game.  I will clean the kitchen.

She starts doing just that.  Mike picks up an Xbox controller, watching her.  He turns to the game.  He looks back at her.  She’s bent over, scrubbing the floor.  

MIKE

So do I get, like, a prize or certificate or something?  For being the first nice guy Robocorp customer?

MAID-O-TRONIC

I do not believe they have a rewards program, no.

MIKE

I was just kidding, I didn’t really...uh...

She’s focused on cleaning.  She’s now bent over the counter, rhythmically wiping.  Mike goes back to the game, tries to focus.

MIKE

So they really built you with, uh, THAT in mind, huh?

MAID-O-TRONIC

The likeness is quite convincing, I assure you.

MIKE

Wow.  I mean, ew.

He’s really trying to stay with the game, but it’s a losing battle.

MIKE

When you got those new directives, did you lose the old ones?

She drops back into the sultry voice.

MAID-O-TRONIC

Shall I continue on to the bedroom?

MIKE

Yeah let’s do that.

He jumps over the back of the couch and stumbles trying to get into the bedroom.

END

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch 5: Awesome Weekend, Bro

Awesome Weekend, Bro

Previous Sketches

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #4

Hanging Out at Jabba's Palace

Previous sketches

National Sketch Writing Month Sketch #3

Every Retail Job, Ever

Previous sketches can be seen here.

A pretty boring post about running

I just wrapped up week 10 of an 18-week program to get ready for the Marine Corps Marathon at the end of October.  If you know anyone who's doing something similar, I guarantee you it's pretty much the only thing they'd like to talk about.  If they're a polite friend, they don't talk about it very often because it's just not something most people find interesting.  I think I'm a polite friend, so I'm using this entry to thought-vomit how this has been going.  Read it if you like.  I just want to get all this down.

I am by far putting more effort into this goal than anything else in my life right now.  By my calculations, I've spent 34.5 hours running a total of 222 miles since I started, and I've still got eight weeks and a marathon left.  I wasn't listening to music or podcasts for those 34.5 hours.  I wasn't running with anyone else and having conversations.  I was focusing on my pace, my breathing, my stride rate, my footstrikes, and not getting run over by cyclists.  I can't manage to direct that level of focus and dedication towards anything else, certainly not my "acting career," and it's really just so that I can say I did it (and of course the health benefits and sense of accomplishment, etc).  Point being, this is important to me.

When I started the program, the farthest I'd run was about 9.3 miles.  The long run at the end of the first week was 11 miles.  I remember starting out and thinking "how in the world am I going to manage 26.2 miles?"  Once I hit long runs around 14 and 15 miles, it started to make sense.  I started to feel like it's something I can actually do.

Then I ran 17 miles today.

Now that my long runs are taking around two or three hours, I'm trying to eat a breakfast that will help me be able to do that.  I'm also carrying a bottle of Gatorade, of which I drink about half an hour before starting out, and then I drink a mouthful every two miles on the run.  It either runs out or I just finish what's left with about three miles to go.  Last week, for my mock half-marathon, I had a bowl of hot cereal, then a bagel with a little peanut butter about 45 minutes later (and the Gatorade as usual).  With about 1.5 miles left I developed a stitch so bad I had to walk a bit, increasing my overall pace by about six seconds.  Not a big deal, but not something I want to worry about.  So today I just went with the bagel and Gatorade.  I think I need more than that in the future.  Or I need to eat a bigger more appropriate dinner the night before.  I don't know.

It became purely an effort of will with about five miles to go.  I've been working to make meditation a habit over the last several months (well, since I was 23 years old, really, but a bigger effort lately) and that's helped with running in that I can boil it down to just worrying about the steps I'm taking at that moment.  I don't worry about the thousands more steps I have in front of me when I get tired, or whether I'll need to walk (haven't yet, other than that stitch).  I just worry about making sure that those strides right then are as good as they can be.  So I had to do that for about five miles today.

There's a good possibility I need better-fitting shoes, given that I developed a blood blister the size of my cat's eye on the inside of the ball of my right foot, and I think I'm about to lose a toenail on that foot as well.  This far into the program I'm a little worried about changing my shoes up, but I probably need to get new shoes before the marathon anyway and they'll need to be broken in.  The money factor doesn't help either, given that I could also use some sort of better-designed socks and underwear.  And shirts.  Basically everything I'm wearing becomes my enemy at some point.  My underwear chafes rings around my legs, my socks and shoes are eating my feet, and my shirts are slowly grinding away my nipples.  Vaseline is helping with the latter.  I've tried various tape structures over my chest, only to see them cascade down my torso in a river of sweat after a few miles.

The program I'm following doesn't stress any sort of time on my longest runs.  The day before, you do a long-ish run at the pace you'd like to do your marathon, and you can also play with that during the week, but long runs are just supposed to be finished.  As such, my goal marathon pace is 8:45 (really, anything under four hours would be OK I guess) but my long run pace is around 10 minutes and I really have nothing in the tank when I'm done.  I'm able to do my pace runs at 8:45 pretty well, and I did four miles in 32 minutes this past week, but after today I'm not really seeing how I can pull off 8:45 over 26.2 miles.  We'll see how that goes.

Another new development today was my almost complete lack of appetite after the run.  I burned around 2150 calories and I had to force myself to eat lunch.  Chocolate milk is supposed to be a great recovery drink, so I had a small bottle after I'd had some time to cool down, drink some water and stop sweating quite so much.  I don't know that it sat very well once it landed.  I didn't have any trouble last week.  I could have also just been dehydrated.  Well, I know for a fact I was dehydrated, but maybe that killed my appetite.

Oh, speaking of dehydrated, around the time I began this program I also got new contacts.  It's been almost impossible to wear them, and I thought something was wrong with the fit or something.  They were just pieces of hard rubber in my eyes; I'd taken to only wearing them while running and hating even that.  It occurred to me, finally, that if I were dehydrated my contacts probably wouldn't feel so great.  I started drinking more water.  Like, more water than you would logically think any one person could lose.  It's helping.  They're still not great, but I think I'm on the right track.  It's just that I'm not sure I can fit any more water in here.

Speaking of, I should go pee.  And drink some more water.

Colin Fisher is many things to many people, but mostly he's an actor and writer.